I just had a call to say my mates Dave’s brother was crushed to death at work when the coffee machine fell on him… At least it was instant!
My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!" It was at this point that the Slap-A-Fat-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!
I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had a book on turtles. "Hardback?” asked the librarian "Yes" I said "and little heads"
My wife’s just said to me that she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day. I said "I'm working on it." and she smiled. Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.
I said to the baker, "All your cakes are £1, why is that one £2”?? He replied, "That's Madeira cake"....
Two blokes in the pub are arguing about who's the biggest liar. One says to the other, "I went over the Niagara falls in a wheelbarrow last week." The other says, "I know, I saw you"
My plan for Valentine’s Day.......... 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Romantic dinner for two 5. Regret eating two dinners
Dave Jr, told his parents he doesn't want to go to university but instead wants to be a steam roller driver. My mate Dave said that he and Julie aren’t happy with that but certainly won't stand in his way.
I was selling my old van & a guy asked, "What's it like on diesel?" I replied, "Skids all over the fecking place..."
A man goes to a funeral and gets up to say a word. He says, "Bargain." At the end of the service the widow goes to the man and says, "Thanks that meant a great deal!"
I've been tracing my family tree. I found out my grandfather used to be a foreman in a napkin factory in Russia... He was The leader of the Serviette Union!
I took my overnight bag to my tennis match by mistake, and had to play in my dressing gown and slippers… Still, I won comfortably!
Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman? A: Because the law says you cannot be punished twice for the same offence.
I used to work with a guy called Ewan Huzami. Nice man, but always getting into fights for some reason.
Surfing the internet, I found a new web page called: 'conjunctivitis.com'. I can tell you, it's a site for sore eyes..
It’ll soon be Valentine's day so to all the beautiful girls "Have a great day". To all fat lasses out there "Cheer up, it's Pancake Day soon"...
The Queen goes on an all access tour of the Ritz in London. She enters a room where one of the guests is having a wank. She looks disgusted and asks the hotel manager what is happening. Thinking on his feet, the manager says, "This man has to drain his balls for medical reasons." They continue the tour until the come across another room with a prostitute sucking a mans cock. Before the Queen can ask what's happening the hotel manager tells her that the man has same condition as the one from earlier, but he's with BUPA.
