I was really struggling to get my wife's attention... So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick!
Looking for a bit of advice please. What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentine's Day? Six? Twelve? Twenty four? Or do I have to give her the whole tin?
On valentines night I've booked a table for two for me and the missus. I just hope she brings her own cue, I hate sharing mine!
The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf. She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success." Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it. She too beckoned to me saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success." So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot. She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success." I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked. I was so outraged, I said, "Who the hell are you?" He replied, "I'm Cess."
Chris Wilder, Ralf Rangnick, Brendan Rodgers and Mikel Arteta entered a pub. Chris bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Rangnick got a round in. Then Arteta put his hand in his pocket. Then Brendan Rodgers got the beers in. Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Wilder went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Rangnick said "Excuse me Chris. What about us?" Wilder looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."
I was in a restaurant last night and the waitress gave me the wrong meal. It was meant for a GP at the next table. Afterwards she said, " Did you enjoy it?" I replied, "Yes, it was just what the doctor ordered..."
Have you heard about the bloke who discovered that he was both dyslexic and gay? He's still in Daniel!
BBC News: 'Boris Johnson's wife Carrie has said she is the target of a brutal briefing campaign by the PM's enemies.' Police have started an investigation and have narrowed it down to a shortlist of 65 million suspects.
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy… She still regrets letting me name the kids!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name... So I called her Bluff!
I went to a cafe this afternoon and I asked for a builders tea and a millionaire’s shortbread. They both told me to fuck off
My mate has been sacked for downloading porn on the work computer & causing everything to crash. They don't mess about in Air Traffic Control.
My mate asked me what is the quickest way to turn his car into a camper. I said, "Ask your wife if she has put on weight."
As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt “Want some of that?", she winked. "Fuck no!" I replied. "Look what it has done to your knickers!"
My brother plays football for a team called The Musketeers. They started the season well, with three wins and a draw... All 4-1 and one 4-all!
