The teacher asked the class, "Who can spell 'SEAWARD'?" Johnny put up his hand and said, "C..U..N..."
Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books… Now we scroll through books on tablets!
Just got the Mrs a sheep dog fur lined bra for Valentines, She asked if it would keep her boob's nice and warm, I replied “no but it will round them up and point them in the right direction”
My mate Dave got Valentine's cards and marriage proposals from two women. One makes incredible pancakes, whilst the other writes beautiful poetry… He’s just asked me if he should marry for batter or for verse?
For the past 25 years I've had a Valentine's card from a secret admirer. I was upset I didn't get one this year… First my Nan dies, now this!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus… It's the little things that count!
I've bought the Mrs a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She’ll be made up!, the hoover is as good as new now.
Mrs "Babe what we doing tonight?" Me "How about Paris?" Mrs "OMG!" Me "Madrid?" Mrs "OMG, OMG!" Me "Perfect BTSport 19:45 it is!"
I gave blood earlier today. I know it’s not the usual sort of thing you give your wife on Valentine’s Day, but it came from the heart.
I thought I heard a song by The Temptations on the radio this morning. But it was just my imagination……
I gave my missus a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. She said, "Aw, thanks, I love you loads Honeybear." "And I love you tons," I replied. "What, no nickname for me"? she asked I swear she's going fucking deaf!
Just been down to B&Q to buy myself a new bush trimmer for round the garden. I was showing it to a neighbour and he said, "That looks really modern." I said, "Yes, it's cutting hedge technology."
I went into the kitchen earlier and saw Dudley making a pot of tea. I thought to myself, 'Oh fuck, there's a storm brewing!'
For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version called Alex….. It doesn't listen to anything!
I once went to a lecture about counterfeiting money… Can't remember much about it though. We weren't allowed to make notes!
I've just joined a brass band. I keep borrowing everybody else's instruments though… I've never been one to blow my own trumpet!
