Today I’ve spent most of the day doing home renovations. I knocked down a wall and incredibly I’ve found a secret, fully furnished room that I never knew existed! Then I remembered I live in a semi detached house.
Just been out to take advantage of storm Eunice and get rid of my unwanted stuff. Simply lobbed it into next doors garden.
A man has been convicted of the theft of 217 tractors over a period of 12 years. Hector Windsock from Poole, described by police as a 'One man crime wave' admitted to all the charges at the crown court today. When asked by a young policeman what was the motivation behind his crime, he said: "Massive urges, son."
With #StormEunice approaching I'm going to pop next door to see if 83 year-old Vera needs anything from the shop tomorrow… And if she does I'm going to give her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather!
Q. How does a Frenchman coax a bear out of a tree? A. He says, "Camembert." That's an old joke fromages ago...
BREAKING: Elton John's tablet/e-reader device has been blown away by Storm Eunice... Like a Kindle in the wind!
I'm not saying staff at our local Asda are useless. But I've used the self checkout twice, and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!
2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat. "I'm cold. I left my knickers at the station." "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you." The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!
I wrote 'Will you marry me' on a balloon to surprise my girlfriend but she caught it with her nail and popped the question herself!
Talking to my mate at work, I said, "Do you shower after sex?" He said, "Of course I do!" I said, "Any chance you have a fucking shag more often?"
I've given my wife a medieval fighting suit to polish, whilst I go to the pub… She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour!
A native American Indian Chief introduced me to his wife who is called Four Horses. I asked him where her name came from. He said, "Fecking nag, nag, nag, nag."
If during an argument your wife pulls out a knife, just pull out a loaf of bread and give it to her. Her female instinct will kick in and she will make you a sandwich..
