I ordered pizzas for home delivery 4 times today. We weren't that hungry, but it was fecking hilarious seeing some little scrote get pissing wet through on his shitty moped..
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died during storm Eunice was not a bouncer
My Dad told me that during the Second World War my Grandad saved 600 men in his regiment... He shot the cook!
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that… It was advertised as a 'School Reunion'!
One of our neighbours confused her valium with her contraceptive pills: She has 14 kids, but doesn't really care...
As for Boris Johnson urging people to use 'common sense' from now on, this is a country containing people who phoned 999 when KFC ran out of chicken!
My mate Dave sent his wife, Julie, a text yesterday afternoon. "Booked us on a 10 day Mediterranean cruise, we go in 6 weeks time. xx" Julie texted back: "Nice, but wish it was twice as long." So Dave phoned the travel agent and they're now going in 12 weeks time instead..
Ever since the storms started, my wife keeps standing at the window. If she does not move soon, I will have to let her back in.
Accordion to recent surveys, words replaced by musical instruments will often go unnoticed in a sentence.
Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday. It was all going well... Until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom!
The wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table yesterday after lunch. I had to take a run up, but I just managed it.
Feeling bad about having an argument with my stunt double, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it!
Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday. It was all going well... Until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom!
I chatted up an amoeba in the pub last night. She must have been keen, as I had her undivided attention.
As Boris Johnson hits three Russian billionaires with travel bans it’s unclear now how they’ll get from Knightsbridge to Downing Street.
