I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, and I leaned in closer for a kiss. She said, "Do you mind going somewhere a little more private?" So I said, "Ok, take your knickers off.."
I asked the old lady next door how she likes her new stairlift. She said it's driving her up the wall.
I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?" She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see." "Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?" "I'm a midwife!"
I'll never forget the day I met my wife at a fancy dress party. She was stood there looking gorgeous and slim next to her fat mate. They'd gone together dressed as the number 10... I knew then, she was the one!
A twin seater helicopter crashed in an Irish cemetery. So far the brave rescuers have recovered 385 bodies.
Dear Diary……today is day 329 without sex. Went to Starbucks just so I could hear someone scream out my name…
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50, in the Bahamas it’s $3.00. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean...
If there was a competition for saggy breasts, my wife would beat everyone... In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them!
The missus told me the cat had to be chipped.…………….. I only had a nine iron but still got it over the shed!
Hostilities in Europe spilled over into Iceland today. I saw 2 fat birds in there, fighting over a bag of chips.
Russia will not be allowed to take part in the Eurovision Song Contest. They'll still score more points than Britain...
My wife said to me, "We've only just eaten. Why are you making pancakes?" I said, "They're for the dogs." She asked, "Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?" I said, "They don't know how!"
Wayne Rooney has offered his solidarity with the Ukrainian people. If there's anything he knows about, it's pulling out of the Motherland.
