My wife said to me earlier “I swear you’re pushing my buttons on purpose” “If I were, I’d have found ‘Mute’ by now” I replied
Congratulations to Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, on his appointment as Chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.
My mate Dave and his wife, Julie, went out for a walk in the countryside yesterday. "See that fence?” said Dave “That's where we first had sex. Do you remember?” "Go on then” said Julie “Let’s do it again there for old times sake." After an hour of frantic sex, Julie, absolutely exhausted and out of breath said "I don't recall it ever being that energetic Dave” “It wasn’t” said Dave "The fence wasn't electrified then!"
My mate watched his first dwarf porn film last night. He said he didn't watch it all, just little snatches...
A column of the Russian army on its way to Kyiv stops by a hill. From behind the hill is heard from a megaphone: "1 Ukrainian soldier is stronger than 10 Russian soldiers!" Irritated, the Russian commander sends 10 soldiers over the hill, there are gunshots, shouts, then silence, none of them return. And the megaphone: - 1 Ukrainian soldier is stronger than 100 Russian soldiers! Annoyed, the Russian commander sends 100 soldiers across the hill. This time there are more shots, the sound of fighting, then silence and no one back. Same voice: "1 Ukrainian soldier is stronger than 1,000 Russian soldiers!" Out of his mind, the Russian commander sends a thousand soldiers across the hill to attack. There are noises of great battle, shouts, bursts of bullets, and then nothing, silence. But now a seriously wounded Russian soldier appears, crawling towards his own. He manages to get close to them and shouts at them with all his might: - Don't go! It's a trap! There are two of them!
My wife claimed she was late coming home last night because she was ambushed by a group of elderly men who pinned her down and repaired her shoes…….. Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me!
On my wedding day, my new mother-in-law took me to one side and said, "Be gentle tonight with our Karen, she's got acute angina." I replied, "She's got a smashing pair of tits as well!"
I went into the disabled clothes shop and asked for a pair of epileptic trousers. The assistant asked if I wanted to try them on. "That's OK," I said. "I'm sure they'll fit!"
My Italian friend has just lost both of his hands in a horrific accident… His doctor is worried that he may never talk again!
Walkers Crisps have announced that, after 74 years of production, they are just about to finish their first sack of potatoes!
Disappointment for Gavin Williamson as his knighthood is downgraded to a CBE, and then again to a Blue Peter badge
I went to the aftershave counter in Boots and said, "I want something that'll have the birds eating out the palm of my hand." Bitch sold me some breadcrumbs...
I once was sat next to an insurance salesmen at a Robbie Williams concert . And through it all, he offered me protection...
My neighbour keeps asking if I want to go round and listen to his railway sound effects LP. I don't think so. Not with his track record.
