Q. What's the difference between the Australian TV soap 'Neighbours' and Prince Charles? A. One had a Mrs Mangle, and the other had a mangled Mrs..
The door in my new flat works by voice recognition, but only when I sing. Got home the other night and the bloody thing didn't open. I then realised that I was using the wrong key!
Johnny gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Johnny: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Johnny: The cow ate all of it. Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Johnny: It left because there was no more grass.
I was not happy with my wife when she protested because I wanted to 'try it in a new hole' last night. I gave her an earful..
I just saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet... I thought, 'Well he's pushing his luck!'
I asked to switch seats on my flight because of the screaming baby… Apparently, you can't if the baby is yours!
I went to hospital yesterday to have an operation and there was a sign in the car park saying 'Thieves operate here'. Personally I prefer doctors, so I left!
My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside… The Doctor said it's gone up a fairway!
Went to put some petrol in the car today at pump 3. Pulled up and noticed the person before me had put just £10 in their car… Where the hell they going on £10? To pump 4?
My mate said his new girlfriend is a stock-checker for a European supermarket chain. Apparently, she ticks Aldo boxes.
My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute... I'd like to see them try it with high heels on!
Just remembering the late Shane Warne saying that Liz Hurley always enjoyed a full toss in the crease..
I was in Tesco and saw a bloke off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. But when the police arrived they arrested me instead of him... Apparently they use actors on the show!
Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales, Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh... Sorry, had a hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea!
