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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. So that explains it......................They are referred to as"homo slackass-erectus" created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to affect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

    View attachment 10017
     
    #901 El Toro, Jan 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 7
  2. So at a circus show, a clown comes on stage with a boy and declares:
    "Ladies and gentlemen this young boy here has the gift of phenomenal memory! And now he will piss on all the ladies and gentlemen in the front row!"

    The people in the front row, rather shocked, hastily stand up, mumble, swear and disperse themselves amongst the other rows.

    The clown:
    "Ladies and gentlemen you're wasting your time moving! I just told you, he's the boy with phenomenal memory!"

    (Took me a minute to get this one :smile: )
     
    #902 Loz, Jan 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Our local pub had a disco the other night.

    First they played 'jump'...so I jumped...then they played 'the twist'...so I twisted...then they played 'come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after [​IMG]
     
    #903 Rudolph Hart, Jan 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  4. My mum is always moaning about how stiff her joints are.


    Next time she can roll them herself.
     
    #904 El Toro, Jan 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  5. A bloke with a small lizard on his shoulder walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint for himself and a half for Tiny....

    After a little while, the bloke comes back to the bar and again asks for a pint for himself and a half for Tiny...

    When the bloke goes up to the bar and asks for the same for the third time, the barman serves him, but can't help his curiosity and asks why he keeps calling the lizard Tiny..

    "Because he's my newt, that's why..."
     
    #905 Dave Owen, Jan 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  6. A man told his doctor," I can't stop deep-frying things in batter. I've deep-fried my TV, my laptop, my mobile phone and I've even battered my jeans & my shoes."


    The doctor looked at him & said, "It is clear to me that you are frittering your life away."
     
    #906 Rudolph Hart, Jan 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  7. Saw the Pope on TV the other day.

    Does anyone else get nervous about a German guy on a balcony addressing 200,000 people?
     
    #907 Rudolph Hart, Jan 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  8. #908 He11cat, Jan 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  9. For years I was always finishing runner up in races, but yesterday I finally won one.


    That's a first.
     
    #909 El Toro, Jan 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  10. "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.
     
    #910 El Toro, Jan 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  11. The Koreans have launched their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

    It's called 'Not Poodle'.
     
    #911 Rudolph Hart, Jan 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  12. A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to OHare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

    Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

    Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!Very fast!!!"

    The taxi driver was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

    The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "thatll be $150."

    "$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

    "Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."
     
    #912 Rudolph Hart, Jan 14, 2013
  13. A lesson in Cell Phone Etiquette from Canada:
    After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in his seat and
    closed his eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

    The train was rolling out of the station when the guy sitting next
    to him pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

    "Hi, sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the
    six thirty train and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting."

    "No, honey, not with that floozie from accounting - with the boss."

    "No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

    "Yes, I'm sure! Cross my heart, honest to God, no doubt about it,
    blah, blah, blah" etc., etc."

    Ten minutes later, the guy was still talking loudly, when the young
    woman sitting across the aisle, and obviously angered by his continuous
    diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

    "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

    Eric doesn't bother people by using his cell phone in public any more.
     
    #913 Rudolph Hart, Jan 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  14. Bloke at the dentists having a routine inspection.

    Dentist " Can I assume you had oral sex last night?"

    Bloke apologetically "Oh god, have I got a pube stuck in my teeth?"

    "No You've got shit up your nose!"
     
    #914 Phartycr0c, Jan 15, 2013
  15. #915 Borgo Panigale, Jan 15, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  16. [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. [/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]She notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'[/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'[/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]She's intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? [/FONT][FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]''What's so special about it?'
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]He explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'[/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'[/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]The woman laughs and replies [/FONT][FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, [/FONT][FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif]' Ah! Bloody thing's an hour fast!'[/FONT]
     
    #916 Borgo Panigale, Jan 15, 2013
  17. I turned my phone onto "airplane mode" then threw it in the air.

    Its the shittest Transformer ever :frown:
     
    #917 El Toro, Jan 15, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  18. The economy is that bad at the moment even our local car boot sale has called in the administrators!
     
    #918 Phartycr0c, Jan 15, 2013
  19. I pulled my 3-year-old son to play-school in his sledge this morning.

    After finally arriving there twenty minutes later, I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

    So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.
     
    #919 Phartycr0c, Jan 15, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  20. My wife is leaving me because im a nosey bastard..................according to her diary anyway
     
    #920 Phartycr0c, Jan 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
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