The wife was trying to be sexy for me tonight. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"
My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I said, "Of course you can." "It's a bit awkward..." he began. I said, "No problem, fire away." “Why have you got your cock in the hoover?"
I finally cracked the secret of invisibility today, after years of ridicule from my family and friends. If they could only see me now.
A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'. I said, "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
Money saving tip Diesel £1.68 per litre £90 to fill the tank Drive off and get a court fine 6 weeks later £50 Total saving £40. Thank me later!
Just got back from the French 'flicking a ruler on the edge of a table' championships. Held every year in Dordogne..
I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.
A boy born without eyelids has successfully had surgery, taking away part of his foreskin to use as eyelids… The surgeon said, "The surgery went really well, although he will be left cock eyed!"
I found an old Viagra in my medicine cabinet. When I took it, it didn't work... Must have been past it's swell by date!
Engineers have made a car that can run on parsley… Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
I've got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol... Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house!
