I let the wife have a lie-in on International Women's Day: Waiting an extra half hour for my breakfast was a small sacrifice to make.
As a special treat I am going to take the wife to somewhere really expensive. Just need to decide which Petrol Station.
After the sanctioning of Roman Abramovich, the British government has published a licence that allows football-related activities to take place at Chelsea F.C. Should come as a pleasant change for Chelsea supporters...
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. "£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"
If you weigh 100kg on Earth, you only weigh 40kg on Mars. The wife's not fat. She's just on the wrong planet..
Rick Astley said to his wife “What would you like for your Birthday next week?” “Well” she replied “I would like a copy of the Disney Pixar film 'Up’ “ “No” replied Rick “You’re not getting that”
Today I made some burgers from Scratch. My daughter refuses to eat any of them, she loved her pet cat.
Ukranians have been offered free accommodation in Walsall. The Ukranians have decided to turn around & go back to their demolished houses..
I took the Ladies UK Darts Champion out last night for a drink. I said, "What do you fancy?" She said, "I'll start with a double!"
My new online bank account needed a password so I chose 'chicken'. The system then stated, "Password must contain a capital." So I chose, 'chickenkiev'...
A mate Dave and I got signed photos of Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett -50p each. So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him
