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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. My mate calls his wife 'Watford F.C.'

    Because she kicks off every 10 minutes...
     
    #9221 Rudolph Hart, Mar 12, 2022
  2. When I got home from the stationers yesterday, I realised they had sold me a pack of cardboard instead of paper.

    Not happy so I’m now writing them a stiff letter...
     
    #9222 El Toro, Mar 12, 2022
  3. An old man was found having sex with the putrefying corpse of his dead wife.

    When questioned by police he told them that he always fancied her rotten.
     
    #9223 Rudolph Hart, Mar 12, 2022
  4. It’s taken forever to make this centipede costume. I’m on my last legs.
     
    #9224 El Toro, Mar 12, 2022
  5. When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of men saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

    I couldn’t believe that in this day and age two guys could be so sexist.

    I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing is it??
     
    #9225 Rudolph Hart, Mar 12, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

    "Show me your tits & then ask me the question again", I replied.

    So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

    "Sorry love. I don't smoke!"
     
    #9226 El Toro, Mar 13, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Vicar didn't turn up in church this morning...

    Bit worried... So I've contacted missing parsons...
     
    #9227 El Toro, Mar 13, 2022
  8. I'm trying to convince everyone of the benefits of eating dried grapes.

    I'm raisin awareness
     
    #9228 El Toro, Mar 13, 2022
  9. My mate is in hospital with poisoning after eating what he thought was an onion, but it was really a daffodil bulb.

    Doctors say he should be out by spring..
     
    #9229 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2022
  10. My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote…

    Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?
     
    #9230 El Toro, Mar 13, 2022
  11. Next week is diarrhoea awareness week.

    Runs from Monday to Friday.
     
    #9231 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night...

    She ended up cooking my sock!
     
    #9232 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  13. My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection…

    He needs Help!
     
    #9233 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  14. The National Heckling Society are having their annual party tonight.

    It's bring your own boooooos...
     
    #9234 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  15. People have often asked me why I wanted to become a film editor…

    Well, to cut a long story short...
     
    #9235 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  16. My friend bet me a tenner that I couldn't do an impression of a butterfly...

    I thought 'that's got to be worth a flutter'
     
    #9236 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  17. My mate watched Starstruck with Olly Murs.

    He reckons he hasn't seen a shittier pilot since Lufthansa's Andreas Lubitz.
     
    #9237 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2022
  18. If you were born legs first, for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
     
    #9238 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  19. My blonde wife said the other month that she wanted to start trying for a baby.

    "Hmmm I'm not sure," I said.

    "Oh ok. What about if we made a compromise? When it comes to making the baby, you can choose what position we do it in," she said.

    "Ok then. Anal!"

    We're still trying!
     
    #9239 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

    I think I've managed to cover my tracks!
     
    #9240 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
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