When I got home from the stationers yesterday, I realised they had sold me a pack of cardboard instead of paper. Not happy so I’m now writing them a stiff letter...
An old man was found having sex with the putrefying corpse of his dead wife. When questioned by police he told them that he always fancied her rotten.
When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of men saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. I couldn’t believe that in this day and age two guys could be so sexist. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing is it??
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?" "Show me your tits & then ask me the question again", I replied. So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?" "Sorry love. I don't smoke!"
My mate is in hospital with poisoning after eating what he thought was an onion, but it was really a daffodil bulb. Doctors say he should be out by spring..
My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote… Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?
My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection… He needs Help!
My friend bet me a tenner that I couldn't do an impression of a butterfly... I thought 'that's got to be worth a flutter'
My mate watched Starstruck with Olly Murs. He reckons he hasn't seen a shittier pilot since Lufthansa's Andreas Lubitz.
My blonde wife said the other month that she wanted to start trying for a baby. "Hmmm I'm not sure," I said. "Oh ok. What about if we made a compromise? When it comes to making the baby, you can choose what position we do it in," she said. "Ok then. Anal!" We're still trying!
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it... I think I've managed to cover my tracks!
