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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I'm having this recurring dream where I think I'm a horse…

    Last five nights on the trot!
     
    #9241 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  2. My mate reckons his home PC is like his sex life:

    He says his zip is often down, his floppy keeps poking out, and he feels he needs more bytes on it..
     
    #9242 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  3. The World Health Organisation announced yesterday that dogs cannot contract Covid-19.

    Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
     
    #9243 El Toro, Mar 14, 2022
  4. The Home Secretary is considering permanent markings on the genitals of male sex offenders.

    But I'm not in favour of government diktats..
     
    #9244 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. Once I hit my 40s I bought a red sports car and started hanging around maternity wards offering to help deliver babies.

    I was having a midwife crisis...
     
    #9245 El Toro, Mar 15, 2022
  6. William Hurt's career highlights:

    Body Heat (1981)

    Body Cold (2022)
     
    #9246 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2022
  7. My next door neighbour doesn't want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he's going to do it himself..

    He said .'How hard can it be? '

    ...I think he's in for a shock..
     
    #9247 El Toro, Mar 15, 2022
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. I keep having a recurring dream where I think I am a horse.

    Last six nights on the trot..
     
    #9248 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2022
  9. I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

    My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls.
     
    #9249 El Toro, Mar 15, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 3
  10. Bono has created his own dessert:

    He mixes a shot of vodka into tomato juice, adds a dash of Worcestershire Sauce and pours it over some ice cream in a tall glass.

    He calls it a Sundae, Bloody Sundae.
     
    #9250 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. My Nan was 112 when she died… Mind you, with a temperature like that it would have killed anyone!
     
    #9251 El Toro, Mar 15, 2022
  12. I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday and when I woke up someone had put a teabag in my mouth.

    I wasn't happy.

    I hate being taken for a mug...
     
    #9252 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 3
  13. Does anyone know what 'idk' stands for?

    I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know
     
    #9253 El Toro, Mar 16, 2022
  14. The man who invented the wordsearch has died… His funeral will be held next:

    T T I S P V G K M P
    H J G U O N Q U X
    N M O N D A Y W Z
    B A T K T E N O P G
    H C V N K O T D I M
     
    #9254 El Toro, Mar 16, 2022
  15. I'm really disgusted with myself. I was on the verge of winning the 'World's Most Congested Nose' competition… And then I blew it!
     
    #9255 El Toro, Mar 16, 2022
  16. My mate said he just watched his wife trip & fall with a pile of clothes she had just ironed.

    Apparently, he watched it all unfold..
     
    #9256 Rudolph Hart, Mar 16, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  17. I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.
     
    #9257 El Toro, Mar 17, 2022
  18. People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.
     
    #9258 El Toro, Mar 17, 2022
  19. My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”
     
    #9259 El Toro, Mar 17, 2022
  20. I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

    Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
     
    #9260 El Toro, Mar 17, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
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