Joke Page

You've gotta hand it to blind prostitutes!

 

My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy… I just don't see it!

 

Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear, this can only mean one thing...

She's behind with the washing again!

 

A rather chubby girl approached my mate Dave in the pub last night.

She said, "Hi…….I'm Anita."

"Yeah I can tell!" said Dave

 

I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea.

I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut.

The doctor replied, "Ahh bummer mate."

So I did!

 

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst...

So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back!

 

If two vegans have an argument is it still called a 'beef'?

Or is it a quornfrontation?

 

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a sofa and his two kids into armchairs

Racked with guilt he said "Dear God, what have I done?" and rushed them to hospital

A team of surgeons worked on them all night

Next day... the magician went back to the hospital and asked how were they?

Apparently they were all comfortable replied the surgeon.

 

Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to take it to £40... I've just missed it and it went to £53.63!

 

A member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone

 

Scientists have discovered a fossilised dinosaur fart... They say it's a blast from the past!

 

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour."

I shouted back, "Me too, she’s got a cracking pair of tits!"

 

I just noticed on the bookies window it said... "Open on a Sunday 11-2"

I thought I'll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday too!

 

I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one.

I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them!