Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear, this can only mean one thing... She's behind with the washing again!
A rather chubby girl approached my mate Dave in the pub last night. She said, "Hi…….I'm Anita." "Yeah I can tell!" said Dave
My local is having a Meatloaf tribute after closing time, if anyone's interested: Midnight at the Fox and Hounds.
I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea. I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut. The doctor replied, "Ahh bummer mate." So I did!
My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst... So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back!
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a sofa and his two kids into armchairs Racked with guilt he said "Dear God, what have I done?" and rushed them to hospital A team of surgeons worked on them all night Next day... the magician went back to the hospital and asked how were they? Apparently they were all comfortable replied the surgeon.
A friend has just returned to Britain after living & working in Australia for 35 years. I was driving him home from the airport when he looked out the window and said, "At least petrol is still cheap; £1.65 a gallon.."
Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to take it to £40... I've just missed it and it went to £53.63!
I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour." I shouted back, "Me too, she’s got a cracking pair of tits!"
I just noticed on the bookies window it said... "Open on a Sunday 11-2" I thought I'll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday too!
March 2021: Not allowed to travel more than 5 miles March 2022: Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles...
I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one. I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them!
