Dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles. I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!
Aladdin has been stripped of his Olympic gold medal for the magic carpet marathon. Apparently he was using performance enhancing rugs!
It seems like everyone else at the airport has better luggage than me. I'm thinking it's a worst case scenario.
My wife has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'. I can't fucking wait……..I love shepherd’s pie!
Just found out one of the most famous names in hairdressing has died… Poor old Vidal I didn't expect him to go Sassoon!
Just been watching womens golf on Sky. It's so much like real life... They're shit at driving but great with an iron!
Just read a TripAdvisor review on the Grammy Awards: "Deeply disappointing, not what I'd hoped for at all." W. Rooney, Derby.
My wife asked me, "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?" I replied, "I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
Chelsea admit they will have to lower their expectations when it comes to transfer targets this summer. Instead of West Ham star Declan Rice, they can now only afford his brother Muller. Really good at corners though, apparently!
ITV have been screening, 'On Death Row with Susanna Reid'. What the heck did she do? I thought she was a nice girl...?
It's been a rough day so far. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off... I'm afraid to go to the toilet!
I said, "Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a hotel." He said, "Can I examine you?" I said, "Be my guest!"
I hear they are thinking about using a bio diesel made from herbs to run our trains..... Here's hoping they will run on Thyme now.
