Joke Page

Dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

 

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns.

I said, "OK. I'll give it arrest!"

 

Aladdin has been stripped of his Olympic gold medal for the magic carpet marathon.

Apparently he was using performance enhancing rugs!

 

Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter he never actually sang on any of the album's

 

My wife has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't fucking wait……..I love shepherd’s pie!

 

Just found out one of the most famous names in hairdressing has died…

Poor old Vidal I didn't expect him to go Sassoon!

 

Just been watching womens golf on Sky. It's so much like real life... They're shit at driving but great with an iron!

 

My wife said sex is better on holiday… Not the best postcard to receive!

 

My wife asked me, "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?"

I replied, "I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

 

Chelsea admit they will have to lower their expectations when it comes to transfer targets this summer.

Instead of West Ham star Declan Rice, they can now only afford his brother Muller. Really good at corners though, apparently!

 

I have to say that the urge for me to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away!

 

It's been a rough day so far. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off...

I'm afraid to go to the toilet!

 

An anagram of Rishi Sunak is hi risk anus...

 

I said, "Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a hotel."

He said, "Can I examine you?"

I said, "Be my guest!"

 

BREAKING NEWS

Marti Pellow has arthritis...

He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes!

 

I hear they are thinking about using a bio diesel made from herbs to run our trains.....

Here's hoping they will run on Thyme now.