Once I got banned from a Zoo for making a parrot laugh! ... ....talk about polly tickle correctness gone mad..
BREAKING NEWS Police have found a piece of luggage on a desert island… They say it's an isolated case!
Whilst out golfing yesterday my friend Dave showed me his new high-tech golf ball. "It's amazing” he said “you can't lose it. It floats, it has a GPS tracker and glows in the dark." "Wow, " I said. "Where did you get it from?" "I found it!" replied Dave
Dear Deidre. Please help me. My sexy 20 year old neighbour was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window and have a cheeky wank. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there arms folded watching me. Is my wife a pervert?
I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet. Anything water related really... I'm actually watching a live stream right now!
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out. I asked my mum, "What's up with him?" She said, "He's just going through a rough patch!"
"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door. "Please babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our baby!" "What baby?" she said. "You're not pregnant?"
My mate has just proposed to a scouse slapper: He says she's ugly, covered in cheap tattoos, can't cook & swears like a trooper... But she can siphon the petrol from his neighbour's cars in under 15 minutes!
I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana... Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger... It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #brown.
I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour. It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work!
My builder is such a nice man. I forgot to pay him and he still offered to come over and put my windows in
The UK budget for the armed forces is currently £3.1 billion. That'll be half a dozen petrol bombs then....
