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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I plan to join a secret meeting of the Innuendo Club by slipping in the back door.
     
    #9361 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2022
  2. BREAKING NEWS

    A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night…

    Police are currently scouring the area!
     
    #9362 El Toro, Mar 31, 2022
  3. @El Toro, Terry, you really need to reinstate the face palm emoji ….. if for nothing else, just this “joke” :joy: Andy
     
    #9363 Android853sp, Mar 31, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. I have a friend who wouldn't say boo to a goose.

    He has Tourette's; he'd tell it to feck off..
     
    #9364 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2022
  5. Just got my loose coat hangers out of a storage box. Why is it that they all hook into each other?

    Perhaps I need to go on a hanger management course!
     
    #9365 El Toro, Mar 31, 2022
  6. I failed my ventriloquists exam…

    Can't say I'm surprised!
     
    #9366 El Toro, Mar 31, 2022
  7. My mate can't help being lazy.

    It walks in his family.
     
    #9367 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

    Apparently it’s an extremely rare dish order.
     
    #9368 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  9. Don't usually play these games but I'm bored, Just fill in the blanks and tag me in

    Bank acc number:
    Card number:
    Name on card:
    Expiry date:
    CCV:

    Thanks.
     
    #9369 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  10. My mate Dave recently tested positive for the coronavirus. He’s fine now though.

    But it's all relative isn't it? If he’d had rabies and you offered him the coronavirus instead, he’d have bitten your hand off.
     
    #9370 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  11. Me and my mate Dave went camping with a bunch of friends for a lad's weekend.

    One night Dave decided he needed to pee before bed so he crawled out of our tent to go in the bushes close by.

    Two minutes later he crawled back in to the tent all wet.

    I turned to Dave and said "Is it raining outside?".

    "No" said Dave "It's windy!"
     
    #9371 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  12. I was watching Saturday Morning Kitchen on TV and all the guests were going on and on about how much time they spend in the kitchen and how good they are at cooking.

    They don't impress me. Anybody can boil a piece of toast FFS.
     
    #9372 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  13. BREAKING: A lorry carrying a cargo of marker pens crashed on the M1 this morning...

    A police spokesperson said that the vehicle is a permanent write off...
     
    #9373 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  14. These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .

    I've got news for you..

    Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.. .
     
    #9374 El Toro, Apr 1, 2022
  15. "It's National Anal Day today." I said to my wife.

    "Oh, for god's sake." She replied, "Do you honestly think I'm that naive?"

    "No..." I said, "But Debbie next door was."
     
    #9375 Rudolph Hart, Apr 1, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. My brother owns a DeLorean… He drives it from time to time!
     
    #9376 El Toro, Apr 2, 2022
  17. The man who invented Tupperware has sadly passed away… The funeral was delayed by an hour because they couldn't find the correct sized lid for his coffin!
     
    #9377 El Toro, Apr 2, 2022
  18. I managed to avoid about fifty April fools jokes yesterday morning…

    I've lost my job as an emergency service operator as a result though!
     
    #9378 El Toro, Apr 2, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  19. I said to my wife this morning "Tell me the truth………why exactly did you agree to marry me?"

    "Because of your sense of humour" she said.

    "And for all these years, I thought it was because I was good in bed" I said

    "See what I mean".......
     
    #9379 El Toro, Apr 2, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Talk about rip off Britain..

    My annual fuel bill estimate is almost the equivalent of my local MP's pay rise.
     
    #9380 Rudolph Hart, Apr 2, 2022
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