Q. What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife? A. One is contract, the other is pay as you go.
Q. What's the difference between a supermodel and a heavily pregnant woman? A. Nothing - if the husband knows what's good for him.
Being British is about, driving a German car to an Irish pub for a belgian beer, then on the way home picking up an indian curry or a turkish kebab, to sit at home on a swedish sofa and watching an american Tv chat show on a Japanese Tv, oh and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your door faster than a ambulance, only in Britain do banks leave the doors open and chain the pens to a counter, and supermarkets make the elderly and sick walk to the back of the shop for there perceptions while the healthy can buy fags at the front.
Not opening her car door on a date can lead to untold problems. Look what happened to Edward Kennedy after he just swam to the surface.
Very strange day today, Had an interview to get into the magic circle which I failed miserably, they were asking me trick questions. On the way home I was passed by a bloke on a tractor shouting "the end of the world is nigh" turns out it was Farmer Geddon!
I ordered a new sex toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wifes ladyparts. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat in the window eagerly awaiting the postman. After what felt like forever he came struggling down the path with a big tatty box in his hands all dented with the flaps torn blowing about in the wind. I thought they couldv'e at leat wrapped it.....Bastards!
Apparently the Met Office have issued a Red Snow warning. If it's anything like that Yellow Snow stuff, I'm staying indoors for the duration.
Government ministers have announced they are looking for people who are honest & hard working. Two traits they cannot find in themselves....
I Went out last night, and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly: "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says: "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, David Cameron said, "I am the Prime Minister of Great Britain and I am the smartest politician in British history, so Britain's people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, Live Aid founder Bob Geldof, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and tried to help others the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr.Geldof. There's a parachute left for you. Britain's smartest politician took my schoolbag."
"You're paranoid", said the doc. "You're the 10th doctor to tell me that", I replied,"you're all in this together, aren't you?"
