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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. The AA have warned that anyone traveling in these icy conditions should take a blanket/sleeping bag, extra clothes (including hat scarf and gloves) 24hr food and drink supply, de-icer, rock salt, a torch ,spare batteries, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads...

    I looked a right knob on the bus this morning.
     
    #961 El Toro, Jan 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  2. I just moved into my new 10 bedroom house in the country and I've painted each room alternately, one black and one white.

    Now I've got terrible draughts.
     
    #962 El Toro, Jan 22, 2013
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  3. My mate found an old lamp & was rubbing it clean with a rag when a genie appeared from the bottle.

    "I may grant you just one wish for releasing me from captivity." Said the genie.

    "Ok, make me irresistable to women." Said my mate.

    SHAZZAM!!

    My mate was turned into a box of chocolates.
     
    #963 Rudolph Hart, Jan 22, 2013
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  4. My mate's girlfriend reported him to the RSPCA after sending her a message saying, "I want to kick your puppy."


    I told him not to trust predictive texting
     
    #964 Rudolph Hart, Jan 22, 2013
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  5. Amazingly, over half a million people showed up for Obama's inauguration ceremony, And only 8 missed work.
     
    #965 El Toro, Jan 22, 2013
  6. My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy."


    Jesus said: "love your enemy."


    Case closed.
     
    #966 El Toro, Jan 22, 2013
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  7. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
     
    #967 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
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  8. A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
    ...
    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

    "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

    "What's it telling you now?" she asked.

    "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

    The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
     
    #968 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
  9.  
    #969 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
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  10.  
    #970 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2014
  11. 417116_170485719764507_635879559_n.jpg

    417116_170485719764507_635879559_n.jpg
     
    #971 johnboy, Jan 23, 2013
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  12. My mate's latest business plan just came a cropper. He was going to build bungalows for dwarves.


    But there was just one tiny flaw.........
     
    #972 Rudolph Hart, Jan 23, 2013
  13. "Looks like its going to rain." I said, walking past the mother-in-law who was lying down on the couch.
     
    #973 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
  14. Some bastards wrote 'RETARD' in the snow on my car windscreen this morning.


    It took me 2 fucking hours to lick it off!!
     
    #974 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. I don't know if I should report this, but in 1962 Cliff Richard filmed 'The young ones' while in the Shadows.
     
    #975 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
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  16. I've just brought myself a claret and blue Aston Villa sledge.


    Never gone downhill so fast in my life.
     
    #976 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
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  17. #977 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
  18. this is from the Daily Telegraph website today - the stories were arranged next to each other like this:

    Screen Shot 2013-01-23 at 13.45.45.png

    Screen Shot 2013-01-23 at 13.45.45.png
     
    #978 JerryXt, Jan 23, 2013
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  19. Nice bit of laundry that, Jerry. :biggrin:
     
    #979 Loz, Jan 23, 2013
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  20. Two gold fish walked into a bar, Landlord says, "Hey, why the long faeces?"
     
    #980 El Toro, Jan 23, 2013
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