The AA have warned that anyone traveling in these icy conditions should take a blanket/sleeping bag, extra clothes (including hat scarf and gloves) 24hr food and drink supply, de-icer, rock salt, a torch ,spare batteries, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads... I looked a right knob on the bus this morning.
I just moved into my new 10 bedroom house in the country and I've painted each room alternately, one black and one white. Now I've got terrible draughts.
My mate found an old lamp & was rubbing it clean with a rag when a genie appeared from the bottle. "I may grant you just one wish for releasing me from captivity." Said the genie. "Ok, make me irresistable to women." Said my mate. SHAZZAM!! My mate was turned into a box of chocolates.
My mate's girlfriend reported him to the RSPCA after sending her a message saying, "I want to kick your puppy." I told him not to trust predictive texting
Amazingly, over half a million people showed up for Obama's inauguration ceremony, And only 8 missed work.
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." ... The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
My mate's latest business plan just came a cropper. He was going to build bungalows for dwarves. But there was just one tiny flaw.........
"Looks like its going to rain." I said, walking past the mother-in-law who was lying down on the couch.
Some bastards wrote 'RETARD' in the snow on my car windscreen this morning. It took me 2 fucking hours to lick it off!!
I don't know if I should report this, but in 1962 Cliff Richard filmed 'The young ones' while in the Shadows.
I've just brought myself a claret and blue Aston Villa sledge. Never gone downhill so fast in my life.
this is from the Daily Telegraph website today - the stories were arranged next to each other like this:
