David Cameron calls for UK referendum on EU membership... If we do decide to leave Europe, I hope we move somewhere warmer.
I popped next door. "How much would your daughter charge for babysitting our twins?" "She's only fourteen," said Brenda. "Probably just a fiver." "Well here's £10. That's cheaper than taking them to Florida. See you in a fortnight."
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer. I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement!
Scientists have announced they may have discovered a previously unknown level of incompetence. "We have hypothesized for a long time that a level of proficiency so incredibly small as to be almost undetectable could theoretically occur, but now it appears that we may be close to proving its existence", said leading researcher Dr Tony Crust. Incompetence research enjoyed its golden age in the 1970’s when the Clueless, the Useless, and the Hopeless elements were all discovered, but it was probably the discovery of the Total Fuckwit, just a few years ago, which revitalized the entire field and led directly to this newest breakthrough. Scientists have dubbed this latest discovery the Osborne Particle. "The Osborne Particle, if confirmed, will represent a level of capability several magnitudes below even the Total Fuckwit." Explained Dr Crust. "It really is almost impossible to overstate just how small a level of competence we are talking about here."
I said to my mate, "Let's go to the tennis club and play doubles." He said, "We'll never find two ugly blokes who look like us."
I tried sky diving last week & asked the instructor, "So if neither the main or the reserve 'chute open, how long do I have before I hit the ground?" He said, "You have the rest of your life."
It was my shout to buy burgers at the local greasy spoon for the lads today. It's what me and my mates call "horsing a round".
A man said to be of asian appearance was arrested earlier for holding up a bank with just a whistle and a snake. Police have charged him with charmed robbery.
Just saw that advert where Holly Willoughby says that whitening toothpaste is part of her daily beauty routine. Bless her. She genuinely believes people are looking at her face.
The Internet is amazing. You have access to every possible piece of information known to man. And yet here you are reading this.
Harry Redknapp will be philosophical about losing in the FA Cup. On one hand, it's a huge embarrassment to the manager of a Premier League club. But on the other, he had £100k on MK Dons at 25/1.
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
