1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 50 of 470
  1. That was a stretch, ET!

    Damn good one, though.
     
    #981 Loz, Jan 23, 2013
  2. David Cameron calls for UK referendum on EU membership...

    If we do decide to leave Europe, I hope we move somewhere warmer.
     
    #982 El Toro, Jan 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  3. BBC Newsflash: 'Women are to serve on the frontline'.

    Well, a bloke's got to eat hasn't he?
     
    #983 El Toro, Jan 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  4. I popped next door. "How much would your daughter charge for babysitting our twins?"


    "She's only fourteen," said Brenda. "Probably just a fiver."


    "Well here's £10. That's cheaper than taking them to Florida. See you in a fortnight."
     
    #984 El Toro, Jan 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  5. To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
     
    #985 El Toro, Jan 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Of all the things I really miss, my wife says the toilet is probably the most annoying!
     
    #986 Phartycr0c, Jan 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

    I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement!
     
    #987 Phartycr0c, Jan 24, 2013
  8. My mate has an excellent nose for wine.

    It's shaped like a corkscrew.
     
    #988 Rudolph Hart, Jan 25, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Scientists have announced they may have discovered a previously unknown level of incompetence.

    "We have hypothesized for a long time that a level of proficiency so incredibly small as to be almost undetectable could theoretically occur, but now it appears that we may be close to proving its existence", said leading researcher Dr Tony Crust.

    Incompetence research enjoyed its golden age in the 1970’s when the Clueless, the Useless, and the Hopeless elements were all discovered, but it was probably the discovery of the Total Fuckwit, just a few years ago, which revitalized the entire field and led directly to this newest breakthrough. Scientists have dubbed this latest discovery the Osborne Particle.

    "The Osborne Particle, if confirmed, will represent a level of capability several magnitudes below even the Total Fuckwit." Explained Dr Crust. "It really is almost impossible to overstate just how small a level of competence we are talking about here."
     
    #989 Rudolph Hart, Jan 25, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Never lick a stranger on a train..


    They taste nowhere near as good as they punch.
     
    #990 El Toro, Jan 25, 2013
  11. I said to my mate, "Let's go to the tennis club and play doubles."

    He said, "We'll never find two ugly blokes who look like us."
     
    #991 Rudolph Hart, Jan 26, 2013
  12. I tried sky diving last week & asked the instructor, "So if neither the main or the reserve 'chute open, how long do I have before I hit the ground?"

    He said, "You have the rest of your life."
     
    #992 Rudolph Hart, Jan 26, 2013
  13. Had a tesco burger earlier, still got a bit between my teeth.
     
    #993 Nebakanezer, Jan 26, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  14. It was my shout to buy burgers at the local greasy spoon for the lads today. It's what me and my mates call "horsing a round".
     
    #994 Loz, Jan 26, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  15. What do you call a 13 year old girl from Lincoln who can run faster than her six brothers?


    A virgin.
     
    #995 Nebakanezer, Jan 26, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  16. A man said to be of asian appearance was arrested earlier for holding up a bank with just a whistle and a snake.

    Police have charged him with charmed robbery.
     
    #996 Rudolph Hart, Jan 26, 2013
  17. Just saw that advert where Holly Willoughby says that whitening toothpaste is part of her daily beauty routine.


    Bless her. She genuinely believes people are looking at her face.
     
    #997 El Toro, Jan 26, 2013
  18. The Internet is amazing. You have access to every possible piece of information known to man.


    And yet here you are reading this.
     
    #998 El Toro, Jan 26, 2013
  19. Harry Redknapp will be philosophical about losing in the FA Cup.


    On one hand, it's a huge embarrassment to the manager of a Premier League club. But on the other, he had £100k on MK Dons at 25/1.
     
    #999 El Toro, Jan 26, 2013
  20. Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?

    A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
     
    #1000 Rudolph Hart, Jan 26, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 50 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information