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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Leroy's hearing
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    [TD]In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
    With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
    The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

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    #1021 Char, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  2. not sure if this should go in the Citizenship thread

    THE POLISH DIVORCE

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
    Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

    One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
    arrange a divorce for him.

    The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
    circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    Have you any grounds?
    Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

    No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
    It made of concrete.

    I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
    No, we have carport, and not need one.

    I mean what are your relations like?
    All my relations still in Poland.

    Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
    We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

    Does your wife beat you up?
    No, I always up before her.

    Is your wife a nagger?
    No, she white.

    Why do you want this divorce?
    She going to kill me.

    What makes you think that?
    I got proof.

    What kind of proof?
    She going to poison me.

    She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

    I can read English pretty good, and it says:

    POLISH REMOVER
     
    #1022 Char, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  3. It was scary when I discovered that 25% of women are on medication for a mental illness.
    Scarier still that the other 75% are roaming around untreated!
    __________________
     
    #1023 paulfastbikes, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Q. What separates men from dumb animals?


    A. Divorce.
     
    #1024 Rudolph Hart, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  5. School Excuse Notes

    • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
    • Dear School:
      Please excuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
    • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
    • Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
    • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
    • Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
    • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
    • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
    • Please excuse Eddie for being. It was his father's fault.
    • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
    • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
    • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
    • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
    • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
    • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
     
    #1025 Rudolph Hart, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Why is a divorce so damned expensive?



    because it's worth it!
     
    #1026 efcbluepete, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  7. I walked into the spare room I use as a 'study' and the wife was sitting at my PC.


    "Hi, Honey," she said, "I was just looking in your albums for some old holiday photos to put on Facebook."


    "Really?" I said, trying to mask my nervousness.


    "Yes," she said, "but the problem is, I can't remember when we went to Pov, Shemale or Bukkake."
     
    #1027 El Toro, Jan 30, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  8. What if birds aren't actually singing? What if they're actually screaming because they're afraid of heights?
     
    #1028 El Toro, Jan 30, 2013
  9. MEDICAL RESEARCH
    ​
    Australian Medical Association researchers have found​
    that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit​
    from receiving chicken blood​
    rather than human blood.​
    It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....​
    Just thought you'd like to know.​
     
    #1029 Char, Jan 31, 2013
  10. After a DNA test it turns out that the tumour on Jeremy Kyle's bollock isn't even his.
     
    #1030 El Toro, Jan 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. A Scotsman calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to
    tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.â??

    'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son replies.

    We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick
    of talking about it, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

    Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they're getting divorced. I'll take care of this!

    She calls Scotland immediately, and yells at her father Youre NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing
    until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife saying.
    Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.
     
    #1031 El Toro, Jan 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. I was sitting on the toilet with a runny nose when I reached over to find only one sheet of toilet paper remained.

    'Great!' I thought to myself, now I'm going to have to find a way to wipe my arse and blow my nose with one sheet.

    Challenge accepted, although I kind of wish I'd have blown my nose first and then wiped my arse.
     
    #1032 El Toro, Jan 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  13. Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper.
    The cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest.

    The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was. “That'll be $2.50,” said the clerk.

    “Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the 'Gentle'?”

    “That one's $2,” answered the clerk.

    “Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything cheaper?”

    “Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.”

    “What generic mean?” asked the Indian.

    “It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only 50 cents.”

    “Me take that,” said the Indian.

    The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me have name for generic toilet paper.”

    “Oh,” says the clerk, “what's the name?”

    “Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”
     
    #1033 Rudolph Hart, Jan 31, 2013
  14. Q: What do you call a 300-pound woman with a yeast infection?

    A: A whopper with cheese.
     
    #1034 Rudolph Hart, Jan 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. I'm not saying my mother in law is fat, but she has an echo in her belly button.
     
    #1035 Rudolph Hart, Jan 31, 2013
  16. During his trip to Libya David Cameron had a ride on a camel.

    He later claimed he knew it was a female camel because as he rode past everyone shouted, "Look at the cunt on that camel."
     
    #1036 Rudolph Hart, Feb 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  17. David and Victoria Beckham are to star in a new reality TV programme.


    An Idiot. A Broad.
     
    #1037 El Toro, Feb 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  18. My wife asked me to do the dishes. I said I will, if she would check the headlight fluid in the car...

    It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
     
    #1038 El Toro, Feb 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  19. My wife says shes leaving me because of my paranoia,

    well she hasnt said as much yet but I know she will!
     
    #1039 Phartycr0c, Feb 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  20. My next door neighbour just told me hes replied to an ad offering sex with an older woman.

    Should be interesting.........hes 86!
     
    #1040 Phartycr0c, Feb 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
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