Joke Page

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"


The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."


Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"


He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

I drew a cock on my face and went to work this morning.


Just so my colleagues think I have a great social life.

 

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.


The driver got out and he was a dwarf.


He said, "I'm not happy."


I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.


Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."


"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

 

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:


First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.


The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.


But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.


Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.


Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.


Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

 

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.


So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.


That shut her up.

 

I'm going to go onto Dragon's Den with my invention. It guarantees a faster production line increasing the rate of manufacturing.

I call it a Whip

 

I recently saw a news article saying scientists have concluded every sentence you can possibly think of has already been said by somebody else.

I feel really sorry for whoever said "Help, I'm having my period in the shark tank!"

 

I didn't give a fuck until I drank Red Bull.

Now I don't give a flying fuck.

 

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

 

My neighbour confronted me about missing items from her washing line this morning.

I nearly shat her pants!