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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. "I think something is wrong with my testicles doctor, One is hanging lower."

    "Don't worry" he said, " That's normal if its the left one."

    "My problem one is the third one from the right"
     
    #1101 Phartycr0c, Feb 4, 2013
  2. [​IMG]
     
    #1102 Phartycr0c, Feb 4, 2013
    • Like Like x 1


  3. Where else but Wales can you get sex, a nice warm jumper and a casserole - all from the same date?
     
    #1103 Rudolph Hart, Feb 4, 2013
  4. In Scotland, my 96 year old granny is a very fast, fair isle knitter, cooks a mean casserole and has a thing for the younger man Rudolph! PM me your number and I'll set it up!
    [​IMG]
     
    #1104 Royum, Feb 4, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2013
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  5. They say women are better multi taskers than men.

    This isn't necessarily true.

    My Granddad sneezed, spat his teeth out, farted and pissed himself, all at the same time last night, while we were having dinner.
     
    #1105 El Toro, Feb 5, 2013
  6. [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]Woman goes to the police saying she was sexually abused 30 years ago. [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]"Can you give us a description of the abuser" says the policeman. [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]"well he has blonde hair jewellery wore a tracksuit and smoked a cigar" says the woman. [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=".Helvetica NeueUI"]"It doesn't give us a great deal to go on but we'll get the black bastard[/FONT]
     
    #1106 El Toro, Feb 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  7. I don't see what the fuss is about same sex marriages. Me and my wife have the same sex all the time.


    Boring.
     
    #1107 El Toro, Feb 5, 2013
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  8. I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.


    After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.


    "You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."


    "I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"
     
    #1108 El Toro, Feb 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Two old biddies were talking about their lives with their husbands since moving to a nursing home. They both agreed that life was good, but Ethel was rather upset because her sex life had really died. Mildred said that her sex life was great.

    “The secret to great sex is this,” Mildred couseled Ethel. “When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets so excited we have wild sex the rest of the night!”

    Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight!”

    While Ethel’s husband Harold is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it’s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can’t move.

    It’s not too long before her Harold comes out of the bathroom.

    With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God’s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”
     
    #1109 Rudolph Hart, Feb 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Very thoughtful of you Sir! I guess we celts should stick together. My regards to your Gran, long may she enjoy a healthy & a happy life. :smile:
     
    #1110 Rudolph Hart, Feb 5, 2013
  11. A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
    some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. H

    is
    grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarettes?"

    "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.

    "No," says the little boy.

    "Then you're not big enough."

    A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.
    The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

    "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.

    "No," says the little boy. "

    Then you're not old enough."

    Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a
    bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"

    "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.

    "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

    "Then go f*ck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
     
    #1111 Rudolph Hart, Feb 5, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  12. [FONT=verdana,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]Remember:

    Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.    [/FONT]
     
    #1112 Rudolph Hart, Feb 5, 2013
  13. Success is:

    At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12, success is having friends.
    At age 16, success is having a drivers licence.
    At age 20, success is having sex.
    At age 35, success is having money.
    At age 50, success is having money.
    At age 60, success is having sex.
    At age 70, success is having a drivers licence.
    At age 75, success is having friends.
    At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.
     
    #1113 Rudolph Hart, Feb 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  14. "I hope you've got a condom?" asked the girl I pulled in a club last night.


    "I can't wear condoms," I replied, "They don't fit me."


    "Yeah right," she laughed.


    I said, "I'm being serious, they just fall off."
     
    #1114 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Tunisia: Poltician Shot Dead Outside His Home


    I've always respected the Tunisian people.. and think we should adopt their vote of no confidence procedures here too ..
     
    #1115 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  16. The vote to legalise gay marriage was an important symbolic victory for the Conservatives, in the name of equality.


    After all, they've already shafted everyone else in Britain up the arse.
     
    #1116 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Sometimes I bing 'Google'... Just to tease Bing a bit.
     
    #1117 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
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  18. My son came home from school all chuffed about gay marriage being legalised.


    "Why are you so happy?" I asked. "Have you even got a boyfriend?"


    He scrunched up his face dramatically, then replied, "It's the principle."


    "Really?" I said. "Well, at least it's not the priest again."
     
    #1118 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
  19. Why is it that adverts for Durex Condoms are banned until after the 9pm watershed, yet Tampax see it fit to ruin my appetite every fucking mealtime?
     
    #1119 El Toro, Feb 6, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. #1120 El Toro, Feb 8, 2013
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