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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. My wife said with a wink, "I'm going to make your biggest fantasy come true this Valentine's Day."

    "Great!" I replied, "So you'll be taking the kids and fucking off to your mum's for a week then?"
     
    #1121 El Toro, Feb 8, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  2. I have sex like weather men make snowstorm predictions.

    I'll tell you you're getting 12 inches, but actually, you'll just end up with a slight coating over you.
     
    #1122 Rudolph Hart, Feb 8, 2013
  3. More Headaches for the leading supermarket chains. Traces of wheelchair have been found in the vegetable soup.
     
    #1123 El Toro, Feb 8, 2013
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  4. Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...


    How the fuck did two sticks win?
     
    #1124 El Toro, Feb 8, 2013
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  5. To eat horse, or not to eat horse, that's equestrian
     
    #1125 El Toro, Feb 9, 2013
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  6. Iceland think they have got away with it. Wait till the authorities remember Stacey Solomon appeared in their adverts.
     
    #1126 El Toro, Feb 9, 2013
  7. A sticker on the box proudly advised Findus Lasagne as 'Britain's Favourite Lasagne"

    Future boxes will be marked as "6/1 second favourite"
     
    #1127 El Toro, Feb 9, 2013
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  8. Isn't it funny how the CIA has to leave America to find intelligence?
     
    #1128 El Toro, Feb 9, 2013
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  9. I saw my mate coming back from the shops pushing a huge trolley full of frozen Lasagne.

    "What are you doing with all that?" I asked him.

    "My six year old daughter wants a horse for her birthday," he replied, "so I'm telling her I've bought one in kit form and she just has to put it together."
     
    #1129 El Toro, Feb 9, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  10. I went to the doctor & asked for a cure for sleepwalking.

    He said, "Try these."

    I asked, "Are they sleeping pills?"

    He said, "No, they're tin tacks, spinkle them on the floor."
     
    #1130 Rudolph Hart, Feb 9, 2013
  11. After a night on the ale with the lads, my wife yelled at me, "What do you think you're playing at, coming home half drunk?"

    I replied, "Sorry love, I ran out of money."
     
    #1131 Rudolph Hart, Feb 9, 2013
  12. I've decided to trace my family tree.

    I'm not very good at drawing.
     
    #1132 Rudolph Hart, Feb 9, 2013
  13. A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

    The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
    "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

    "Ten quid," the owner says.

    "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

    "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
     
    #1133 Phartycr0c, Feb 9, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  14. In film trade jargon, they use the T system for describing the framing of a shot:

    1T see the teeth.
    2T see the throat.
    3T see the tits.
    4T see the tummy.
    5T see the twat.
    6T see the toes.

    The director can tell the cameraman what kind of shot he wants as in, “Give me a 3T on her for this one.”
     
    #1134 Pete1950, Feb 9, 2013
  15. The barman in our local pub asked me if I always drink my whisky neat.

    I said, "No, sometimes I wear jeans & my let shirt hang out."
     
    #1135 Rudolph Hart, Feb 9, 2013
  16. Did you hear about the German vampire who became a poet?

    He went from bat to verse.
     
    #1136 Rudolph Hart, Feb 9, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Went to the doctor today cause I thought I had a hole in my heart.........ended up just being a polo mint in my shirt pocket
     
    #1137 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
  18. Why is a man more intelligent during sex ?

    Because he's plugged into a know it all.
     
    #1138 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
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  19. They say you are what you eat

    This all explains why I'm hung like a horse then
     
    #1139 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Vegetarians aren't even safe from the horse meat scandal.

    It was revealed today that wooden rocking horse shavings have been found in Linda McCartneys vegetarian cannelloni.
     
    #1140 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
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