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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. The fact that gay marriage was legalized on the same day as marijuana in Washington state, USA was long foretold. As Leviticus 20:13 says: "A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
     
    #1141 Pete1950, Feb 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Strange but true

    • It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach
    • A human hair can hold a weight of 3kg
    • The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb
    • The femur is as hard as concrete
    • A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
    • Women blink twice as much as men
    • We use 300 muscles just to hold our balance when we stand
    • The woman has read this entire list
    • The man is still looking at his thumb....
     
    #1142 Rudolph Hart, Feb 10, 2013
  3. 'Horses for courses'

    Not much of a metaphore these days is it?
     
    #1143 Rudolph Hart, Feb 10, 2013
  4. I met an Asian girl on a night out and brought her home. When we got home I was incredibly shocked to see that her vagina wasn't blurred.
     
    #1144 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
  5. Leicester police have confirmed that the skeleton they dug up is indeed the body of Richard the Third.

    They say that further to lots of good honest police work and overwhelming forensic evidence they have arrested and charged four local black youths with murder.
     
    #1145 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
  6. Following tests after the Southampton and Man City game, it has been revealed that parts of the City team were found to contain 100% donkey
     
    #1146 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.


    The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his head buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fucking Newmarket.
     
    #1147 El Toro, Feb 10, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  8. Tell a man something and it goes in one ear & out of the other.

    Tell a woman something and it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.
     
    #1148 Rudolph Hart, Feb 11, 2013
  9. The Pope resigns

    In response to the announcement of the Pope's resignation, we are also advised he will soon be known as

    'Ex-Benedict'.
     
    #1149 Rudolph Hart, Feb 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  10. A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

    "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

    "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b@st@rd and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
    (apologies if it's been told before...)
     
    #1150 Lightning_650, Feb 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Pope goes, the weasel.
     
    #1151 Pete1950, Feb 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  12. Wow, my daughter must be very popular, I always hear her phone vibrating at night...
     
    #1152 El Toro, Feb 11, 2013
  13. Contributions for the Pope's leaving gift may be made via PaPal.
     
    #1153 Rudolph Hart, Feb 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  14. Q. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?





    A. I don't know


    And I don't care
     
    #1154 Rudolph Hart, Feb 11, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Marines training.png

    Marines training.png
     
    #1155 Borgo Panigale, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Recently older taxpayers in the UK received their
    'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll
    explain it to those not aware of this huge benefit by using a Q & A
    format:

    Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
    A. It is money that the
    government will send to taxpayers.

    Q. Where will the government get this
    money ?
    A. From taxpayers.

    Q. So the government is giving me back my
    own money ?
    A. Only a smidgen of it.

    Q. What is the purpose of this
    payment ?
    A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
    electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
    economy.

    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    A. Shut
    up.

    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by
    spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

    * If you spend the money at
    Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan, Sri Lanka or an east European
    horse abattoir

    * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the
    Arabs

    * If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or
    China

    * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
    Honduras and Guatemala

    * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan
    or Korea

    * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

    * If
    you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to bankers bonuses and
    they will hide it offshore.

    Instead, keep the money in the UK
    by:

    1. Spending it at car boot sales
    2. Going to night clubs
    3.
    Spending it on prostitutes
    4. Buying beer or whisky
    5. Getting yourself a
    tattoo
    6. Visiting a bookie
    (These are the only UK businesses still
    operating in the U.K. )

    Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club
    with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day
    and night!
     
    #1156 eyore, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  17. How many times have we all said, "I'm starving, I could eat a horse" Now we're all moaning about it!
     
    #1157 paulfastbikes, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Breaking News:

    Willie Carson found in sausage roll.
     
    #1158 Rudolph Hart, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Findus is still very popular with consumers.

    According to the latest Gallup poll.
     
    #1159 Rudolph Hart, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Breaking News:

    Iain Duncan Smith & the Department of Work & Pensions have today declared Richard III 'fit for work'.
     
    #1160 Rudolph Hart, Feb 12, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
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