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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
     
    #1201 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  2. In a few weeks Oscar will have a record that will stand forever.


    A criminal record.
     
    #1202 Rudolph Hart, Feb 16, 2013
  3. Q. What is David Cameron's new fitness programme to get people walking again?


    A. Petrol at £2 per litre.
     
    #1203 Rudolph Hart, Feb 16, 2013
  4. Pistorius.

    If only he'd stuck to playing bass, none of this would ever have happened.
     
    #1204 gliddofglood, Feb 16, 2013
  5. Oh, it's come down then? ;-)
     
    #1205 Royum, Feb 16, 2013
  6. Someone once asked me, "What is your job?" I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."

    Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

    "Very simple" I said. "The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice, she'll ask me for it."
     
    #1206 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
  7. Reports are coming out that the Oscar Pistorious shooting was the result of a domestic dispute. He wanted a new bathroom door but she was dead against it.
     
    #1207 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  8. I was watching the football this afternoon when my wife came storming towards me, and yelling at the top of her voice...


    "This morning you told me we were going to spend the day together and go for dinner"


    I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, but had to wonder....


    How the fuck did she get through the turnstile without a ticket?
     
    #1208 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  9. Oscar Pistorius currently in jail has been put on suicide watch.


    At least they don't have to worry about taking his shoe laces.
     
    #1209 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
  10. So Oscar Pistorius is on suicide watch...


    He might get the noose around his neck but how's he gonna kick the chair?.
     
    #1210 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. I had the best valentines day ever. I had sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde I have ever seen.


    Being the mortuary assistant in Pretoria has its perks.
     
    #1211 El Toro, Feb 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Scottish version of Broke Back Mountain, starring Ben Doon & Phil McCavity.
     
    #1212 Stressed Hippo, Feb 16, 2013
  13. Old age:

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

    My doctor refused to give me Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

    Grandpa used to be tough & ruthless. Now he's rough & toothless.
     
    #1213 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Sometimes I wake up grumpy.




    Other times I let her sleep.
     
    #1214 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
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  15. Of all my wife's relatives, I like me best.
     
    #1215 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
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  16. Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

    Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this... why??"

    She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the damned mop out again!!"
     
    #1216 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  17. Q. What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and Michael Gove?

    A. One tucks features..................
     
    #1217 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
  18. My wife shouted from the kitchen, "How would you like your steak?"


    I shouted back, "Cooked by someone who knows what they're fucking doing."
     
    #1218 El Toro, Feb 17, 2013
  19. I walked into Dreams today and lay on one of the beds.


    An assistant came over and asked if he could help.


    "I'd like 2 lesbian twins to fuck my brains out please" I replied.


    Turns out its actually a bed shop.
     
    #1219 El Toro, Feb 17, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. This Tory government is much like a rainbow.

    It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right through it and it's only there because of The Sun.
     
    #1220 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
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