Q. What is David Cameron's new fitness programme to get people walking again? A. Petrol at £2 per litre.
Someone once asked me, "What is your job?" I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor." Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple" I said. "The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice, she'll ask me for it."
Reports are coming out that the Oscar Pistorious shooting was the result of a domestic dispute. He wanted a new bathroom door but she was dead against it.
I was watching the football this afternoon when my wife came storming towards me, and yelling at the top of her voice... "This morning you told me we were going to spend the day together and go for dinner" I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, but had to wonder.... How the fuck did she get through the turnstile without a ticket?
Oscar Pistorius currently in jail has been put on suicide watch. At least they don't have to worry about taking his shoe laces.
So Oscar Pistorius is on suicide watch... He might get the noose around his neck but how's he gonna kick the chair?.
I had the best valentines day ever. I had sex with the most gorgeous fit blonde I have ever seen. Being the mortuary assistant in Pretoria has its perks.
Old age: It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. My doctor refused to give me Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. Grandpa used to be tough & ruthless. Now he's rough & toothless.
Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this... why??" She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the damned mop out again!!"
Q. What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and Michael Gove? A. One tucks features..................
My wife shouted from the kitchen, "How would you like your steak?" I shouted back, "Cooked by someone who knows what they're fucking doing."
I walked into Dreams today and lay on one of the beds. An assistant came over and asked if he could help. "I'd like 2 lesbian twins to fuck my brains out please" I replied. Turns out its actually a bed shop.
This Tory government is much like a rainbow. It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right through it and it's only there because of The Sun.
