A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
As I walked away from the urinal, and headed for the door, the bloke who was stood next to me shouted over his shoulder "When I was young, I was taught to wash my hands after having a piss" "Well, when I was young, I was taught not to piss all over my hands" I replied.
Now the panic about the explosion over Russia has calmed down, Adele has stepped forward and said she promises she will never go skydiving again!
A member of the Borg collective was having difficulty in the supermarket assimilating some melons. So he called out, “Assistance In Fruit Aisle!”
A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint in the Atlantic. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
A man stole my car the other night and before I tried calling the police I thought: "Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the boot."
I decided to test out the theory that if you throw a cat off a building they will always land on their feet. It's true, in the time it took me to get outside the cat had already got himself a steady job, a decent house and his own family.
I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street". It's available on Kindle from Monday.
My wife said, "We're going to my mothers on Sunday, and I won't take no for an answer." I said, "Ok then, how about- Fuck off, I'm not going."
The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus and taramasalata. Yes, it’s a double dip recession.
I've been eating those Tesco horse burgers and have found myself craving sugar cubes, eating oats and my breath stinks. On the plus side, my cock has grown a foot and I can legally shit in the street.
As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty. With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine. It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me. Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck in the lift with me for the last 20 minutes.
More breaking news: A 2-seater aircraft has crashed into a cemetery in Ireland. Rescuers have so far recovered 2,000 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues....
I met Jimmy Saville once. He was a terrible ventriloquist. He stuck his finger up my arse & told me not to say anything.
Whenever I meet a new girl I like, I always tell them " I can speak to the dead." It sounds a lot better than "I'm a grave digger and I talk to myself."
