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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

    I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
     
    #1221 Rudolph Hart, Feb 17, 2013
  2. #1222 He11cat, Feb 17, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  3. As I walked away from the urinal, and headed for the door, the bloke who was stood next to me shouted over his shoulder "When I was young, I was taught to wash my hands after having a piss"


    "Well, when I was young, I was taught not to piss all over my hands" I replied.
     
    #1223 El Toro, Feb 17, 2013
  4. Now the panic about the explosion over Russia has calmed down, Adele has stepped forward and said she promises she will never go skydiving again!
     
    #1224 Phartycr0c, Feb 18, 2013
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  5. A member of the Borg collective was having difficulty in the supermarket assimilating some melons. So he called out, “Assistance In Fruit Aisle!”
     
    #1225 Char, Feb 18, 2013
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  6. Breaking News: Man born without a stomach wins nobelly prize.
     
    #1226 El Toro, Feb 18, 2013
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  7. A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint in the Atlantic.


    It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
     
    #1227 El Toro, Feb 18, 2013
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  8. BREAKING NEWS!!!

    Energizer bunny gets arrested for assault & battery!
     
    #1228 Sinister, Feb 18, 2013
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  9. A man stole my car the other night and before I tried calling the police I thought:


    "Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the boot."
     
    #1229 El Toro, Feb 18, 2013
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  10. I decided to test out the theory that if you throw a cat off a building they will always land on their feet.


    It's true, in the time it took me to get outside the cat had already got himself a steady job, a decent house and his own family.
     
    #1230 El Toro, Feb 18, 2013
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  11. I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".


    It's available on Kindle from Monday.
     
    #1231 El Toro, Feb 18, 2013
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  12. My wife said, "We're going to my mothers on Sunday, and I won't take no for an answer."

    I said, "Ok then, how about- Fuck off, I'm not going."
     
    #1232 El Toro, Feb 19, 2013
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  13. The Greek government is in such trouble they’ve halted production of hummus and taramasalata.

    Yes, it’s a double dip recession.
     
    #1233 Rudolph Hart, Feb 19, 2013
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  14. I've been eating those Tesco horse burgers and have found myself craving sugar cubes, eating oats and my breath stinks.

    On the plus side, my cock has grown a foot and I can legally shit in the street.
     
    #1234 Rudolph Hart, Feb 19, 2013
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  15. BBC Breaking news: The man who had the first sex change wins Nobellend Prize.
     
    #1235 El Toro, Feb 19, 2013
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  16. As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

    With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

    It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

    Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck in the lift with me for the last 20 minutes.
     
    #1236 El Toro, Feb 19, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  17. More breaking news:

    A 2-seater aircraft has crashed into a cemetery in Ireland.

    Rescuers have so far recovered 2,000 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues....
     
    #1237 Rudolph Hart, Feb 19, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2013
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  18. I met Jimmy Saville once. He was a terrible ventriloquist.

    He stuck his finger up my arse & told me not to say anything.
     
    #1238 Rudolph Hart, Feb 19, 2013
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  19. Whenever I meet a new girl I like, I always tell them " I can speak to the dead."

    It sounds a lot better than "I'm a grave digger and I talk to myself."
     
    #1239 El Toro, Feb 19, 2013
  20. Jesus backwards sounds like sausage...

    Bit ironic considering he was Jewish.
     
    #1240 El Toro, Feb 19, 2013
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