Joke Page

10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex

1. A below par performance is considered damn good.
2. You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.
3. Foursomes are encouraged.
4. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is possible.
6. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. You don't have to cuddle your partner when you're finished.
9. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

 

Two Scotsmen, Archie and Jock, were sitting in the pub discussing Jock's big wedding day.

"Aye, it's going to be grand," said Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nodded approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in," continued Jock.

"A kilt... that's brawn. You'll look smart in that," exclaimed Archie, "and what's the tartan?"

"Oooch," said Jock, "I imagine she'll be in white."

 

My wife picked up a can & said, "Is this insecticide good for beetles?"

I replied, "No, it'll kill them."

 

[h=1]Golf Caddies[/h]

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch, Caddy. It's
distracting!"

Caddy: "Oh, this isn't a watch Sir, it's a compass!"


Golfer: "That can't be my ball, Caddy. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started Sir."


Golfer: "I'd move Heaven & Earth to be able to break 100 on this
course."

Caddy: "Try Heaven Sir, you've moved most of the Earth already."


Golfer: "Well Caddy, how do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good Sir. But personally I prefer golf."


Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, Sir."


Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes Sir. You miss the ball much closer than you used to."


Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

Caddy: "I didn't realise you had played before Sir."

 

Today's paper has a photo of Samantha Cameron's ugly fat arse.



Or Dave as he prefers to be known.

 

Have You Ever Wondered Why...

1. Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
2. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why you never see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4. Why "abbreviation" is such a long word?
5. Why Doctors call what they do a "Practice"?
6. Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Microsoft Windows?
7. Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
8. Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
9. Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
10. Who tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavour?
11. Why Noah didn't swat those two darned mosquitoes?
12. Why they use a sterilized needle for lethal injections?
13. Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
14. Why they are called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
15. Why they call an airport a "Terminal" if flying is so safe?

 

I ate my pillow last night.


I'm now feeling a little down in the mouth.

 

My mate's wife told him she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds for her birthday.

He bought her a new set of bathroom scales.

I haven't seen him since her birthday.............

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.