At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Had a really lucky escape whilst burgling a house the other night. I got nervous and was having a shit when this stunning woman walked in. I'm sure I heard gunshots as I hopped out the window!!!
Findus have just announced that they wont be labelling products with the word 'calories' any more. From now on it will be referred to as 'horsepower'.
Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to Oscar Pistorius in the Summer transfer window after reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich
[h=1]About Women[/h]A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out of the blue, "Lord, please grant me one wish." The sky clouded over above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in every way, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive across anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a very long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "Do you want two or three lanes on that bridge?"
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to f*** off.
One Direction's Zayn Malik has vowed to ditch the fags. I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career...
My mate was going out with a Siamese twin. But she dumped him because she found out he was screwing her sister behind her back.
A boat being used to smuggle cannabis in to the UK has crashed off the coast of Scotland and it's been reported that sea birds are eating the contents. No Turn has been left unstoned.
