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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Ten Cows in a scottish field.
    Which one is from the middle east?

    Coo Eight.
     
    #1281 shadow, Feb 21, 2013
  2. I was at my mum's karaoke birthday party last night.
    They played "Jump" so we Jumped,
    Then they played "The twist" so we twisted,
    Then they played "Cum on Eileen" I was asked to leave shortly after that.
     
    #1282 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
  3. How do you make an American starve to death?

    Jam the windows closed on the driver's side of the car.
     
    #1283 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
  4. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am, can you fucking believe that, 2:30am.

    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
     
    #1284 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I'm doing really well with my ballet classes.

    I've come on leaps and bounds.
     
    #1285 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Fearne Cotton has given birth to a baby boy, 'Rex Rayne'.


    Who the fuck suggested that name, Scooby Doo?
     
    #1286 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
  7. [TABLE="class: forumline borderline"]
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    [TD="width: 100%"]ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?

    Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
    Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:



    Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
    >
    > Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
    >
    > Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
    >
    > Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
    >
    > Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.
    >
    > Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
    >
    > Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
    >
    > Sex with an OAP - Saga !
    >
    > Sex with a transvestite -confused.com





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    #1287 kev cornwall, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  8. My wife had a breakdown in court this morning.


    Fuck knows how she got the car in there.
     
    #1288 El Toro, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  9. The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow.

    Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
     
    #1289 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  10. I met a man yesterday who was half American and half Iraqi.

    He was his own worst enemy.
     
    #1290 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. A Stage hypnotist did a gig at the Old Folks Home. He opened by hypnotising a couple of volunteers.

    Then he said he'll to hypnotise everyone in the hall. He pulled out a silver pocket watch on a long chain and started to swing it slowly side to side.

    "Watch the watch" he intoned. After a couple of minutes he had them under his spell.

    He said a last "Watch the watch" when the chain of the watch broke, and he tried to catch the watch but it smashed to the floor.

    "Shit" he cried.




    It took three days to clean the place up.
     
    #1291 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. The mother in law has thrown out all her expensive shower gel and has switched to washing up liquid.


    Apparently the label on the bottle says, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise impossible to remove."
     
    #1292 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
  13. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
     
    #1293 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
     
    #1294 Rudolph Hart, Feb 21, 2013
  15. Fears of an expected surge of millions of Romanians into the UK have abated as we have eaten all of their transport
     
    #1295 El Toro, Feb 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  16. A South African court has agreed that Oscar Pistorious should get bail.

    Tottenham are furious.
     
    #1296 El Toro, Feb 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Oscar Pistorius has been granted bail on the account he surrenders his arms.

    There will be fuck all left of him to put on trial at this rate.
     
    #1297 El Toro, Feb 22, 2013
  18. As we lay in bed, my wife sneered "just so you know, bigger is always better."

    "Not true" I said.

    "Really?" she laughed, "why not?"

    I said, "the last girl I fucked was loads better than you, and she was half your size."
     
    #1298 El Toro, Feb 22, 2013
  19. Any couples on here considering IVF?

    If so I'm selling one of my eggs! (FYI it's been fertilized, is six years old and he is called Dave)
     
    #1299 El Toro, Feb 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  20. [​IMG]
     
    #1300 Unicycler, Feb 22, 2013
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