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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk . The question was worth 70 points or none at all.


    One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:


    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.


    And then the student was stuck! In desperation, and just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:


    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground so the cat can't get it.






    He got an A.
     
    #1321 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  2. How do you starve a scouser?


    Hide his giro under his work boots.
     
    #1322 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
  3. America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
    ~ David Letterman
     
    #1323 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
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  4. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
     
    #1324 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
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  5. Have you heard about the gay bloke who put a nicotine patch on his penis?

    He's down to three butts a day.
     
    #1325 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
     
    #1326 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
  7. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
     
    #1327 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  8. I found my step ladder last night, my real ladder left me when I was 4.
     
    #1328 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  9. My daughter was messing around in the kitchen when I was trying to make a stir-fry and ended up dropping her 'One Direction' CD into the wok.


    There was a big flash in the pan.
     
    #1329 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
  10. Doctors believe that men think about sex every 7 seconds.

    But I wrote this sentence in sex.
     
    #1330 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
  11. Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?

    He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
     
    #1331 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
  12. My wife said she is leaving me because she's sick and tired of my over-active imagination...


    Joke's on her, she doesn't even exist.
     
    #1332 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?

    They write the bill on a condom. That way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.
     
    #1333 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  14. As Good Friday is getting ever closer, I think it's time for us to remember that poor long haired man who died on the end of the cross.


    Happy Easter Andy Carroll.
     
    #1334 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  15. Told the wife I was gonna build a car out of spaghettti.
    She said, "Don't be so damned stupid and grow up!"


    You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
     
    #1335 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  16. Q. What happens when a brothel catches fire?

    A. Some come out running and some run out coming!
     
    #1336 Rudolph Hart, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Katie Price claims to have only had 10 lovers in her lifetime.


    Personally I think she's just ran out of fingers to count them with
     
    #1337 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  18. It costs me a small fortune getting my wife's nails done regularly, but I don't mind.


    It's reassuring to know that her coffin is securely sealed.
     
    #1338 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  19. "You remind me of my wife," I said to my private lap dancer.


    "I'll take that as a compliment," she giggled, "is she pretty?"


    "No it's just I also give her shit loads of money and I don't get any sex."
     
    #1339 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
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  20. The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer which means the average human gets 41 miles to the gallon. Not bad.....
     
    #1340 El Toro, Feb 24, 2013
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