My mate's wife caught him with his willy in the biscuit tin. She's divorcing him on the grounds that he's f*cking crackers.
Dave and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina." Dave: "Your tits aren't bad either."
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of cling film. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I couldn't get into a club because I forgot my tie,so I wore my jump leads instead. They let me in ok,but told me not to start anything....
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?" I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
“Well, Paddy,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.” “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Paddy. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk. "Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy's dick."
Someone has stolen the mother in law's knickers from her washing line. The good news is we found the 24 clothes pegs she used to hang them up.....
I was chatting to a fat lass in the pub, when I said " I can tell that you really like your grub." " Don't be silly," She replied. " It doesn't have to be mine."
Apparently people are opposing the new grand theft auto games due to the fact they think it's violence and pornographic nature will encourage kids to act similarly. That's ridiculous, I've played Tiger Woods golf, but I've never gone and blacked up and won the US Open.
My wife says she's leaving me because the spontaneity has gone from our relationship. Why she had to tell me during our Monday evening shag is beyond me.
Bill moaned as the warder led him into the cell, as reclining on the bunk was a 17stone geezer in a frock."Well" said the warder"you wanted a room with a TV"
