Joke Page

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

 

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain
transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very
expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the
family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain,
$200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought
they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the
difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet.
"The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been
used!".

 

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs
almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so
he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had
left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest
lecturing voice, "just what do you mean coming to church dressed like
that?"
"Why reverend, " the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell
me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."
"Hmm, well, let me check." said the man of the cloth, placing his
head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "
I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not Reverend," she said.
"You're not plugged in yet!"

 

Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?

A. Acne doesn't come all over your face until you're 15.

 

[h=3]REVENGE IS SWEET[/h]There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"