Joke Page

When I won the Lotto jackpot,I decided to share it with my ex.


"I won the Lotto Jackpot you fucking bitch." I shouted over the phone.

 

So Katie Price has had some of her eggs frozen...


Well if you leave your legs open for that long, you're bound to get a draught.

 

When I was a child I was always told:

"Eat your meat...you'll be strong as an ox"

Now I realise that I'm hung like a horse....thank you Findus !

 

It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks.

 

I feel sorry for homosexual Jews. I can't imagine how many times they hear the word 'camp' in one day.

 

I'm trying to teach my kids the importance of having patience.


They have like 2 fucking minutes to learn it before I start beating the fuck out of them.

 

I'm not saying my wife was ugly but when she passed away,a group of necrophiles begged me to have her cremated.

 

Comic relief soon


Remember, for just £5 you can help teach a disabled african the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend

 

"Dad, can I have some money?" asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door.


I said, "It depends, where are you going?"


"To see a girl." he replied,


"Oh yeah," I winked, handing him a tenner, "And who exactly is this girl?"


"She's the cashier in the shop where I buy my cigarettes." he replied.

 

"Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend.

"On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits"

"Really? You sure?"

"Yes! Quickly!! For me"

"Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."

Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific!

 

I hate when people on airplanes recline their seat so far back, they are practically in your lap.


That's when I start stroking their hair and tell them, "you're almost there...."

 

Food contamination scandal hits the church.


Communion wafers found to contain 0% Christ.