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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Did you hear about the gay spy?



    He had a false bottom in his briefcase.
     
    #1401 Rudolph Hart, Feb 27, 2013
  2. In a lesbian relationship, who makes the sandwiches?


    Neither, they both eat out.
     
    #1402 El Toro, Feb 27, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  3. What is the actual scientific name for holy water?


    Water.
     
    #1403 El Toro, Feb 27, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  4. I was chatting to an American about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. I should know - I caught my foreskin in my zip that day.


    Which, by the way, was the 9th of November.
     
    #1404 El Toro, Feb 27, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.


    "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."
     
    #1405 El Toro, Feb 27, 2013
  6. That's why you had such a bad day today? You did it again?
     
    #1406 Royum, Feb 27, 2013
  7. you should be so lucky....my cock is far too thin to become ensnared in a YKK bastille...

    i wonder if its because im such a tight fisted w@nker?

    i always suspected that you were one of the biggest members on this forum..



    ( i wish there was a reflective emoticon rubbing his chin thoughtfully..ho hum)...
     
    #1407 funkyrimpler, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Today's learning experience:

    Whoever coined the expression 'As quiet as a mouse', has obviously never stepped on one....
     
    #1408 Rudolph Hart, Feb 28, 2013
  9. 'If you broke your arm in two places what would you do?' said Murphy.

    'I'd never go back to those places again' replied Paddy.
     
    #1409 El Toro, Feb 28, 2013
  10. If wanking creates friction, and friction creates heat, how many wanks would it take to boil a kettle?
     
    #1410 El Toro, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. i not saying my ex was a total skank, but she donated her spit to a sperm bank.
     
    #1411 funkyrimpler, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?






    A: About 8 pints    ​
     
    #1412 Rudolph Hart, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Love, lust & marriage

    Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
    Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
    Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

    Love- When you share everything you own.
    Lust- When you steal everything they own.
    Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

    Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
    Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
    Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

    Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
    Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
    Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

    Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
    Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
    Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

    Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
    Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
    Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

    Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
    Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
    Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

    Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
    Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
    Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the garage.

    Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
    Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
    Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
     
    #1413 Rudolph Hart, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Olly Murrs has revealed he has a sister who works in the plastic industry.

    Polly.
     
    #1414 paulfastbikes, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  15. One Direction's Zayn Malik has vowed to ditch the fags. I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.
     
    #1415 El Toro, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  16. Q: Did you hear why Vanessa Feltz got arrested?

    A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
     
    #1416 funkyrimpler, Feb 28, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  17. Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common?


    A: They're both empty from the neck up!
     
    #1417 Rudolph Hart, Mar 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. A vicar is on a train and a pregnant woman gets on and sits down opposite him.

    As they travel the vicar is reading his newspaper and the woman takes out her knitting.

    As she is knitting, about every 20 minutes she reaches into her bag and pulls out a bottle of pills from which she takes one and swallows it.

    This goes on for about an hour when the vicar sees the label "Thalidomide" on the bottle.

    "Excuse me", says the vicar to the woman, "Do you know the effect that could have on your unborn child?"

    "Yes" says the woman "I never could knit sleeves."
     
    #1418 Rudolph Hart, Mar 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  19. Two eggs are boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

    The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack!"

    "No good telling me," replies the male egg, "I'm not hard yet."
     
    #1419 Rudolph Hart, Mar 1, 2013
  20. dear oh deary me!
     
    #1420 funkyrimpler, Mar 2, 2013
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