The Prime Minsiter was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during his tour of the floors he passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said Cameron, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" "The doctor replied, "That man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", said the PM. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", said Cameron, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Ode for the elderly My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I've got a full-time job To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its little head And watch me tie my shoes
So Cameron reckons the UK's becoming more productive. Yeah, Dave, about as productive as an anorexic in a scat movie.
Does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made a bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club.
I got into a black taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London. He said, "That's going to be about £400." which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying 'I Will Charge You £60 If You're Sick In The Back!' So I shoved my fingers down my throat.
Paul Lambert: We played well, but we were never going to win, Manchester City are in a different league to us. Not just yet, Paul, not just yet.
I bought some really cheap face wash today from Poundland and the label said, 'Guaranteed to make your face feel young again.' I regret it now. It was just some old woman's handkerchief with spit on.
I was on an engineering website forum today, talking to a guy about a 12mm 1.25 pitch bolt, to which he replied he needed to know about the 8mm 1.25 pitch bolt. I was in the wrong thread.
Government austerity cuts have hit the Nativity Play. This Christmas Mary will be riding on a Lidl donkey.
I meant to take liquid viagra lastnight, but accidentally took liquid Tippex. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.
What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . A gear stick.
Eve is strolling through the Garden of Eden when her first period sets in. Desperate to stop the bleeding, she stuffs a banana in - doesn't help. She grabs a handful of cherries and stuffs them in, too - also doesn't help. Then she comes to a river, gets ahold of a fish and stuffs it in as well, and finally the bleeding stops. And what to we learn from this little story? We now know why the banana has its shape and why cherries are red, but we will never know how fish smelled originally.
Just got 3D TV & it's damned good. Fell asleep during the Liverpool game & when I woke up my wallet had gone.
