We have stopped allowing the blonde in our office to take coffee breaks. It takes too long to retrain her.
That's how the fight started.... One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…. ______________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…. ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…. ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started…. ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 190 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…. ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damned near perfect.” And then the fight started….
Man admitted to hospital today with a vacuum cleaner up his bum. Doctors say he is picking up nicely.
I told my mate that I'm having problems in the bedroom, being a doctor he prescribed me Viagra. How the fuck's that going to assemble my new wardrobe?
Pulled a gypsy bird last night , she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, she wasn't fucking kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a fucking goldfish.
2012 was such a great year. We hosted the Olympics and celebrated our monarch's Diamond Jubilee. 2013 was starting to look decidely dull, until the Queen shat herself
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! £35,000 - £40,000 So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."
Went into an Apple Store and let out a huge fart, and everyone in there got rather pissed off because of the smell I caused. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
My 11 year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Daddy, what does 'anal' mean?" "It means once a year, love." I said, looking at my wife.
A 16 y.o. boy came home one day, went up to his Dad beaming with excitement, he said "I got my 1st shag today Dad" Dad trying to contain his pride said " well I hope you used protection, but well done, when are you going to have your next one?" The boy said "As soon as my arse stops bleeding"
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood Ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*c*ing red mark on his forehead.
Q. What do a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common? A. Black coat, white collar and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair. If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the twat a mobility scooter.
