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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I hate being bi-polar..........it's great :upyeah:
     
    #1501 El Toro, Mar 8, 2013
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  2. Shamelessly nicked from UKMOC - who are not normally know to be keen golfers

    Golf in the Bedroom

    1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally 1 club & 2 balls.

    2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers also kissing the grass is on your knees is usually welcomed by the course owners as a sign of devotion by a true golfer.

    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

    9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

    10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

    11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

    12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

    13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back 9.

    14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

    15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in 1 match.

    16. Some courses encourage multiple players but they must be good friends .
     
    #1502 Char, Mar 9, 2013
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  3. It cost me thirty thousand pounds when my wife was kidnapped.


    Hell of a party though.
     
    #1503 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  4. "Malian authoritites struggling to keep control" What do you expect if you put Boycie's wife in charge of a troubled African country
     
    #1504 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
  5. My Wife told me she was getting bored of her Ipod and wondered if I had any bands to recommend.

    Apparently, "A gastric one" doesn't help matters
     
    #1505 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
  6. My collection of military brass instruments were stolen lastnight...
    My house was bugled
     
    #1506 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  7. My youngest has being glued to the TV all fucking day.

    That's what happens when you mix Pritt Stick, a mong and a drunken father together.
     
    #1507 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
  8. In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.
     
    #1508 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
  9. Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says "Already Disturbed Proceed With Caution."
     
    #1509 Char, Mar 9, 2013
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  10. The wiping of club & balls on the curtains after playing is often discouraged....
     
    #1510 Rudolph Hart, Mar 9, 2013
  11. Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

    Every time I mention it she runs a mile.
     
    #1511 Rudolph Hart, Mar 9, 2013
  12. Just had a giant cockroach knock at the door asking for donations, it must be that bug that's going round.
     
    #1512 Rudolph Hart, Mar 9, 2013
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  13. After a rough week for Justin Bieber in the UK, a spokesman for him has said that he doubts he will be returning to the country again.

    Well played Brits, job done.
     
    #1513 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  14. 90's music............... is dead as a Dido.
     
    #1514 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  15. After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.

    A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'
     
    #1515 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  16. My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."

    I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.

    She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"

    I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."
     
    #1516 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
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  17. My wife said to me, "Dave, make me feel like I'm 15 again".

    So I ate a pack of Scampi Fries and made her sniff my fingers.
     
    #1517 El Toro, Mar 9, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Yoko Ono has just been signed up for next year's 'I'm a celebrity got me out of here'.


    The producers say she will be fantastic as she has been living off a dead Beatle for 30 years.
     
    #1518 Rudolph Hart, Mar 10, 2013
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  19. Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there.

    And happy Valentines Day to everyone in Burnley.
     
    #1519 El Toro, Mar 10, 2013
  20. My wife swallowed after a blowjob for the first time in five years last night.

    I wonder if it's a sign that she's coming out of her coma.
     
    #1520 El Toro, Mar 10, 2013
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