Being one that forgets things all the time, my brother texted me yesterday: 'Remember that it's mothers fucking day tomorrow!!!' 'You sick bastard', I replied.
My wife said she wanted to try a Rampant Rabbit. So I got Flopsy out of his hutch and gave him a few lines of speed.
"Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure are fine." said the doctor to the female patient. "Now let me see that little thing which gets you Ladies into all kinds of trouble." The woman swings into action, removes her knickers and spreads her legs. "No, No,Put your clothes back on," said the doctor"Just show me your fucking tongue!"
So the Queen's had diarrhoea. Nobody will have seen royal skidmarks quite so bad since that tunnel in Paris.
I decided to show my kids how to make a burger from scratch. They burst into tears and refused to eat. I don't know what the fuss is about, it was a stupid name for a cat.
Yesterday, scientists in Britain revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office. Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how it is that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. Do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book. It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card. My driving licence. My car insurance. On the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years. All those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell! Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Citizen P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor .. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
The Tory party is like a broken shopping trolley that veers to the right, says Nick Clegg - well he should know, he has a good view from the child seat!
You shouldn't laugh at your own jokes, Funky. I can tell it's you who wrote it - I recognise the style.
Senior Citizen Health Care So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? This plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 members of The House of Lords. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
A primary school class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' ''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Vicky Pryce can console herself with knowing the Libdem Head of Counselling is on the end of the phone. His name’s Lord Rennard.
