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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I was in Stratford-on-Avon yesterday, went into a pub, and in my best Shakespearean tones said "A pint of your finest ale please, Falstaff."

    Bastards threw me out. Said I was bard.
     
    #1561 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
  2. I'm not a racist, but for the sake of the altar boys I hope the next pope isn't black...
     
    #1562 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  3. Watching the news of coming from the Sistine Chapel , I think they bought a toaster off the same fucking bloke on Ebay as I did ....
     
    #1563 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
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  4. I'm reading a book about glue....I can't put it down!
     
    #1564 Kenoir, Mar 13, 2013
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  5. Having a tattoo is a lot like having a wife.

    Once you've got one they're a bastard to get rid of.
     
    #1565 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
  6. I was on the tube this morning, minding my own business as usual, when this big black guy towered over me and said,

    "What's your fucking problem?"

    So I just started telling him all about my many problems and, in the end, well, we both had a nice little cry and parted with a hug.
     
    #1566 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Bags of white sugar are quite common in supermarkets, but not bags of brown sugar.

    Demerara.
     
    #1567 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  8. My wife caught me putting bait on my cock and masturbating into the river.

    She's worried I might catch something.
     
    #1568 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  9. Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?




    A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
     
    #1569 Char, Mar 13, 2013
  10. Today is international Woman's day.

    It was supposed to be four days ago but they took too long to get ready.
     
    #1570 Sev, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  11. The south african police have said that Oscar Pestorius may get the electric chair.

    If you ask me, he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the bloke a mobility scooter!
     
    #1571 Sev, Mar 13, 2013
  12. My wife said she wanted to spice up our sex life.

    So I began with cumin on her boobs.
     
    #1572 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  13. The local garden centre is now selling emo lawn.

    It cuts itself.
     
    #1573 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  14. All I got for my birthday was a pack of very sticky playing cards.


    I found it really hard to deal with.
     
    #1574 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. One of the heads of a care home much frequented by Jimmy Savile said if the police had told them he was such a raging paedophile at the time they'd have been less likely to let him in so often to fuck their kids.
     
    #1575 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
  16. The horse meat scandal at Tesco is now totally insignificant...... I've just heard on the news they've spent over £48 billion on Giraffe restaurants!!!
     
    #1576 El Toro, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  17. I avoid clichés like the plague
     
    #1577 Kenoir, Mar 13, 2013
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  18. Well, at least in a Giraffe Restaurant you know you're eating donkey.
     
    #1578 Loz, Mar 13, 2013
  19. Q. What's the difference between ooh & aah?


    A. About 3 inches.
     
    #1579 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2013
  20. Q. Why was Cleopatra so negative?



    A. Because she was Queen of denial.
     
    #1580 Rudolph Hart, Mar 13, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
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