Black smoke in the Sistine chapel........................still burning laptops and hardrives. White smoke..............................job done pope elected.
My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
The wife has agreed to celebrating Steak & Blow Job Day on the condition that we create a day for her. So from this day forth, March 15th shall be known as "Filet-o-Fish & Fingering day"!
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy said.
I thought Katie Price had launched aloaf of bread with her name on it. But I looked again and it just said 'thick cut'.
Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties. A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend. Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"
I had a nasty surprise when I walked in on my Thai girlfriend baking me a cake in just her underwear. Spotted Dick.
I think it's disgusting how Lance Armstong has been treated. While he was on drugs he won 7 Tour de France titles. Last time I was on drugs i couldn't even find my bike
The Cardinals were quick to make sure a new pope was elected before March 14th... After all, they needed a leader to teach the choir boys how to cook the steaks
Had a wet dream about the mother in law last night. Dreamt she was run over by a bus & pissed myself laughing.
My mate had to be rushed to hospital today to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis. He won't be shagging one of those again.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
