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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Black smoke in the Sistine chapel........................still burning laptops and hardrives.

    White smoke..............................job done pope elected.
     
    #1601 eyore, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  2. My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

    "I want you to go!" she screamed.

    I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

    "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

    I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
     
    #1602 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
  3. The wife has agreed to celebrating Steak & Blow Job Day on the condition that we create a day for her.

    So from this day forth, March 15th shall be known as "Filet-o-Fish & Fingering day"!
     
    #1603 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
  4. Did you hear about the woman who shoved a boat paddle up her fanny sideways?.

    She had an Oar Chasm
     
    #1604 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. In Korea today is Pug and Tug day
     
    #1605 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
  6. An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
     
    #1606 speno, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow

    "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by

    the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in

    London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what

    they would fetch if they were in good condition?"


    "Sticks?" Paddy said.
     
    #1607 Ghost, Mar 14, 2013
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  8. Q. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?


    A. Follow the fresh prints.
     
    #1608 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
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  9. I thought Katie Price had launched aloaf of bread with her name on it.

    But I looked again and it just said 'thick cut'.
     
    #1609 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
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  10. Because of the recession, Bob the Builder has changed his name.


    To Bob..........
     
    #1610 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  11. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
     
    #1611 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  12. Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?


    A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
     
    #1612 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
  13. Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.


    A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.


    Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"
     
    #1613 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
  14. I had a nasty surprise when I walked in on my Thai girlfriend baking me a cake in just her underwear.


    Spotted Dick.
     
    #1614 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. I think it's disgusting how Lance Armstong has been treated. While he was on drugs he won 7 Tour de France titles.


    Last time I was on drugs i couldn't even find my bike
     
    #1615 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  16. The Cardinals were quick to make sure a new pope was elected before March 14th... After all, they needed a leader to teach the choir boys how to cook the steaks
     
    #1616 El Toro, Mar 14, 2013
  17. Had a wet dream about the mother in law last night.


    Dreamt she was run over by a bus & pissed myself laughing.
     
    #1617 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
  18. My mate had to be rushed to hospital today to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis.



    He won't be shagging one of those again.
     
    #1618 Rudolph Hart, Mar 14, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  19. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.
     
    #1619 speno, Mar 14, 2013
  20. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
     
    #1620 speno, Mar 14, 2013
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