Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.
Steak and blowjob day. The first should be rare and the other well done. Unfortunately, in reality it's the wrong way round.
Apparently, in the 1960's the Catholic church was led by a man called Pope Ye, who was very fond of spinach.
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?" Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship. Men say, "Big deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"
I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise." "Sure," she replied, I said, "Great, get your knickers off then."
I'm off to the toilet with my new animated porno mag. Who needs steak and blowjob day when you can have comic relief ?
My neighbour's dog did his business on my lawn again. He wasn't very happy when I took his laptop away.
So yesterday was steak & blowjob day. After being married for twenty years, today is is the same as yesterday. Ready meal & wank day.
My boss asked me why I was late this morning. I said, "On my way to work, a deer walked out in front of the road." "Oh my god," he replied, "Did it survive?" I said, "If by 'survive' you mean taste great on my kebab skewer, then yes."
Hitler walked in to a room with a friend and said to his generals, "I want you to kill 6 million Jews and one Australian." The generals looked at each other then looked at Hitler and one said, "But mein Furhrer why one Australian?" Hitler turned to his friend and said, "See, they never ask about the Jews."
My girlfriend texted me today. 'Hi honey-bunny, I fancy getting a DVD and having a little snuggle-wuggle on the sofa tonight. How does that sound?' 'Fucking Pathetic' I replied.
Ironic, isn't it? Pope Francis is against the use of condoms but his name is an anagram of 'cap for penis' God works in mysterious ways
What's the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl ? You can dump your load in the washing machine and it wont follow you around for three weeks saying it loves you!
Steak and a blow job day yesterday. If Prince Charles shops at Tesco there's a good chance he got both from the same animal.
My mate is struggling. All he has to eat is herbs given to him by his neighbour. He is living on borrowed thyme.
