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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I like to treat women like golf.

    If she's not holding my wood, she should be holding an iron.
     
    #1641 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2013
  2. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa !Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp ?He bought a warehouse !
     
    #1642 JR45, Mar 15, 2013
  3. Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog!
     
    #1643 El Toro, Mar 15, 2013
  4. Have you heard about a dyslexic gynaecologist? He thought a hymen was a religious song sang in church!
     
    #1644 El Toro, Mar 15, 2013
  5. Have you heard about the newly wed dyslexic couple who were killed tragically on their honeymoon? They broke their necks trying to do a 96!
     
    #1645 El Toro, Mar 15, 2013
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  6. A yorkshireman took his cat to the vet's & said to the vet, "Will you have a look at my cat?"

    The vet replied, "Is it a tom?"

    The yorkshireman said, "No, it's in t'basket."
     
    #1646 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2013
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  7. An invisible man married an invisible woman.

    The kids were nothing to look at, either.
     
    #1647 Rudolph Hart, Mar 15, 2013
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  8. I was just about to text a donation to Comic Relief, when Lenny Henry pointed out that, "There are now over half a billion mobile phones in Africa".


    So fuck it, let them text!
     
    #1648 El Toro, Mar 15, 2013
  9. Q. What do the Premier League and a cordless drill have in common?



    A. No Leeds.
     
    #1649 Rudolph Hart, Mar 16, 2013
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  10. So I said to this bloke down the pub, "want a game of darts?" "Ok" he said "nearest the bull to start"

    he said "Baa", I said, "Moo" "your closest off you go" he said
     
    #1650 Phartycr0c, Mar 16, 2013
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  11. The other week I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

    I rang her up and said "did you get my drift?"
     
    #1651 Phartycr0c, Mar 16, 2013
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  12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a small fire to keep warm the craft caught light and sank, proving once and for all you cant have your kayak and heat it!
     
    #1652 Phartycr0c, Mar 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  13. I was sexually active at 12.


    It's now 12:45 and my wrist is sore.
     
    #1653 El Toro, Mar 16, 2013
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  14. A tramp knocked at my door last night asking if i had any "aromatic spices" to put in his cooking pot............Fuckin' beggar's bayleaf doesnt it ?
     
    #1654 El Toro, Mar 16, 2013
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  15. I said to my mate, "How did your night out go?"


    He said, "I was smashed. Last thing I remember was talking to a bird at the bar. Then I woke up next to a fucking fat, ugly lump this morning."


    I said, "At least you made it home."
     
    #1655 El Toro, Mar 16, 2013
  16. "Police urge traders to be vigilant after thefts" I've just read on the Gwent constabulary website. Typical thick coppers; why don't they urge them to be vigilant before thefts?
     
    #1656 El Toro, Mar 16, 2013
  17. When I asked my girlfriend if I could fuck her in the arse, she looked at me with a wicked glint in her eye and said, "Baby, I'm happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you'd be prepared to do it yourself... So, do you still want to fuck me in the arse?"


    "Actually, I've changed my mind," I replied. "I want you to have sex with your sister."
     
    #1657 El Toro, Mar 16, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. I was stopped in the street by a tramp who said, "I haven't had food for so many days, I've forgotten what it tastes like."

    I replied reassuringly, "It's ok mate, it still tastes the same."
     
    #1658 Rudolph Hart, Mar 16, 2013
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  19. Apparently the gay porn star Arpad Miklos died much in the same way as Ayrton Senna.







    With skid marks on his helmet....
     
    #1659 Rudolph Hart, Mar 16, 2013
  20. The Mars Corporation has announced the closure of the Pedigree Chum factory.

    Apparently it has gone into retrievership.
     
    #1660 Rudolph Hart, Mar 16, 2013
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