A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up & down and nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have just been charged with kicking his head in.
Self examination for Alzheimer's Disease It takes less than 15 seconds.... If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's! You are a Pervert.
What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
After much pressure from my mum, I finally agreed to take my alzheimers riddled grandad out to the pub for the afternoon. I couldn't believe what a good time I had, and wish we'd done it sooner. It was always his round.
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
My wife said she wanted to have outdoor sex on the golf course where I spend most of my Saturdays. We arrived at the first green at about 2am, where after doing a sexy striptease, she lay naked on the grass and said, " Any hole's a goal." " Oh my God! " I shouted. " Do you know anything about golf ?"
Did you hear about the Irish Exorcism ? A woman had to call in the Devil to get the Catholic Priest out of her son...
My mate says his new girlfriend is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the fecking shoes she buys.
After my first week at the sex addiction clinic, my liaison officer asked if I thought I could make the commitment to come along twice a week. Too right I will, you should see the tits on her.
White smoke has been seen billowing from the main job centre chimney in Liverpool. The new employed person for the city has been elected.
I took my Chinese girlfriend to the airport two weeks ago, she was going on a girls "beach" holiday, no partying or anything like that, she said. I picked her up today, something wasn't right, she didn't say a word. We got back to my flat, she still hadn't spoken. Then when I had to almost force her to have sex later, she burst out crying. How was I supposed to know it wasn't my girlfriend?
Was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night, and my wife turns to me and says "What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer's , I think I'll just shoot myself". "I know" I replied, "You said that 5 minutes ago".
The mother in law told me that onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry. To prove her wrong, I hit her in the face with a turnip.
