I've heard folk saying I should try my yoghurt 'Greek' style. Well, I looked up Greek style on the internet and, long story short, I won't be using that spoon anymore.
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
My friend Murphy told me that Saint Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland in 461 AD. Honestly, Irish people are so thick. Cars hadn't even been invented in 461 AD.
Two church mice knocked at my door this morning. "We'd like to talk with you about cheeses." they said.
I took a blondel on a date to a restaurant. "Babe, I need to tell you something," I said. "What?" she asked. I said, "I've already got a girlfriend." "Oh, you scared the hell out of me," she replied, "I thought you didn't have any money."
Teacher: "Now then class, let's do some simple sums. I give you a £10 and you take a £1. What do I have?" Little Johnny: "A bank account in Cyprus, Miss."
Woke up this morning and discovered a leak in my fish tank. Well, it was either that or a very large spring onion.
A tramp knocked my door last night asking for some aromatic herbs for his cooking pot........well, it beggars bayleaf!
A man came home to be greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went to play golf.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said, 'I have to tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
I couldn't believe it when I saw Tom Cruise daydreaming at the end of my street. "All you alright Tom, you look like you're miles away," I said. "Sorry, I was in a world of my own", he replied. "I don't think you understand", I continued. "You look like you're miles away.
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.........
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction, 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did...
My wife bought me a pet beaver for my birthday yesterday. I went up for a shit this morning and found my shed in pieces in the bath!
