Q. If blond girl and a brunette were falling from the sky which would land first? A. The brunette, because the blonde would stop and ask for directions...
The wife & I had sex in the car last night, it was pretty uncomfortable. Wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
The wife nudged me in bed this morning to wake up. "Move your arse, you've got to get the kids to school," she grumbled. "I did it yesterday," I said, rolling over. "You do it this time." "I'm not the bus driver,' she said.
My big busted fit wife walked into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of high heels and said to me, "Darling, don't you think this outfit would suit a diamond necklace." But I gave her a pearl one instead.
My mate Dave had a really bad accident. Both his feet had to be amputated and his vocal chords were damaged. He doesn't make a song and dance about it though.
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorcyclists where they lead to.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Manchester received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
My dyslexic mate mixed up his viagra tablets with his sleeping tablets. He popped upstairs this afternoon for 40 wanks.
Stacey has 18 Snickers. She's eating 4 of them and exchanges 8 for 10 Mars bars. She sells 6 Mars and buys 14 Whoppers. She eats all 14 Whoppers. Why is she wearing leggings?
When my horny secretary came into work crying on my shoulder because she'd just split up with her boyfriend I thought this would be the perfect time to take advantage of her, So I put her on the minimum wage
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. "I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."
I was brought up a catholic. When I was younger what used to get me in church was all the standing, kneeling and sitting. I just wish the priest would pick a position and fuck me.
I've got a friend who recently had an abortion. But on the positive side she won "Slimmer of the month" at Fat Club
