1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 89 of 470
  1. Q. If blond girl and a brunette were falling from the sky which would land first?

    A. The brunette, because the blonde would stop and ask for directions...
     
    #1761 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  2. The wife & I had sex in the car last night, it was pretty uncomfortable.



    Wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
     
    #1762 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  3. The wife nudged me in bed this morning to wake up.

    "Move your arse, you've got to get the kids to school," she grumbled.

    "I did it yesterday," I said, rolling over. "You do it this time."

    "I'm not the bus driver,' she said.
     
    #1763 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  4. My big busted fit wife walked into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of high heels and said to me, "Darling, don't you think this outfit would suit a diamond necklace."

    But I gave her a pearl one instead.
     
    #1764 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  5. My mate Dave had a really bad accident. Both his feet had to be amputated and his vocal chords were damaged.

    He doesn't make a song and dance about it though.
     
    #1765 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week.

    What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
     
    #1766 Borgo Panigale, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  7. I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorcyclists where they lead to.
     
    #1767 Borgo Panigale, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  8. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war.

    This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

    The shame will always be with us.
     
    #1768 Borgo Panigale, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  9. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Manchester received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
     
    #1769 Borgo Panigale, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  10. These so-called speed bumps are a joke.

    If anything    , they slow you down.
     
    #1770 Borgo Panigale, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Q. What do you get if you cross the Queen & The Duke Of Edinburgh?






    A. Killed in a tunnel.
     
    #1771 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  12. My dyslexic mate mixed up his viagra tablets with his sleeping tablets.



    He popped upstairs this afternoon for 40 wanks.
     
    #1772 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  13. Stacey has 18 Snickers.

    She's eating 4 of them and exchanges 8 for 10 Mars bars.

    She sells 6 Mars and buys 14 Whoppers. She eats all 14 Whoppers.

    Why is she wearing leggings?
     
    #1773 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  14. When my horny secretary came into work crying on my shoulder because she'd just split up with her boyfriend I thought this would be the perfect time to take advantage of her,

    So I put her on the minimum wage
     
    #1774 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
  15. The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his
    suitcase.

    "What happened?"

    "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying
    that I was coming home from my trip today.

    "I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy
    in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

    "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
    Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

    Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there
    must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."
     
    #1775 El Toro, Mar 22, 2013
    • Like Like x 5
  16. My wife said, "Tell me you love me."

    I said, "Give me a fucking chance, I'm only on my 8th can."
     
    #1776 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 4
  17. Didn't make it to the gym today.

    That makes it about 18 years in a row.
     
    #1777 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
  18. I was brought up a catholic.

    When I was younger what used to get me in church was all the standing, kneeling and sitting.

    I just wish the priest would pick a position and fuck me.
     
    #1778 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  19. I've got a friend who recently had an abortion.

    But on the positive side she won "Slimmer of the month" at Fat Club
     
    #1779 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
  20. If men fall asleep immediately after sex, why is it so difficult to catch a rapist?
     
    #1780 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 89 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information