Joke Page

A group of fonts walk into a bar.
‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman.
‘We don’t serve your type in here.’

 

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Theakston sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Theakston?" and the Theakston MD replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

 

A doctor was examining a woman who was rushed to the emergency room. He probed her and studied her ailment for a good while.

Concerned with what he observed, he took the womans' husband aside, and said, "I don’t like how your wife looks at all."

To which the husband promptly replied, "Me neither doc. But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids!"

 

A big-shot businessman with an extremely high opinion of himself had to spend a few days in the hospital. The nurses despised him because he bossed them as if they were one of his employees. He complained constantly and threatened to have all the staff fired if they didn't attend to his every whim.

When he was denied anything for medical reasons, he'd let loose with a torrent of abuse. The staff was really fed up of having to care for him.

Finally the head nurse came into his room and announced, “Time for your temperature. Roll over!"

“What? No way!" said the man.

“I’m sorry, sir," she said, “but this time, we can’t use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaints as he rolled over and bared his butt.

After inserting the thermometer, she announced, “I have to go get something. Just stay like that until I return," and she left his room, leaving his door wide open.

Time passed. He cursed every time he heard people laughing outside his door. After nearly an hour, he couldn't take it anymore and started yelling for a senior doctor. The doctor finally showed up.

“What do you want?" asked the doctor rudely.

Angrily, the businessman answered, “What do you mean, ‘What do I want?’ You’re the doctor. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? Now get on with it!"

The doctor chuckled, “Temperature? All I see is a sign up your butt saying 'The real asshole is at the other end!'"

 

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked under a sheet on a gurney in the hallway of a hospital. Just then a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, and then disappeared.

A few minutes later, the same man in the white coat stopped by again, lifted the sheet, looked closely for a moment, then disappeared.

However, when he appeared a third time, the anxious woman worked up her courage and asked, “Doctor, will I be going into surgery sometime soon?”

The man replied, “Don’t ask me, lady. I’m just a painter!”

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing,"
he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his
rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch, and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.