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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I said "can you recommend some music for a kids party?"

    "Small faces"

    I said "Of course they are, they're kids"
     
    #1781 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  2. I was in the park the other day wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets.

    And then it hit me.
     
    #1782 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
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  3. Have I already told my deja vu joke?
     
    #1783 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
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  4. At my age, I seem to remember forgetting you may have told that one before.

    No harm, no foul...:wink:
     
    #1784 Rudolph Hart, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Teacher to class: "Who can tell me what happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?"



    Little Johnny: "Popeye kicked the crap out of him."
     
    #1785 Rudolph Hart, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Last night I got dressed up as King Arthur ..

    The Wife came home from bingo and looked surprised and said "I thought you were going out with the lads" ...

    I told her "I did not bother, I just felt like having a knight in"
     
    #1786 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Dire Straits have opened up a new Farmyard shop and they've got some amazing offers on.

    Buy any adult chicken and get the chicks for free.
     
    #1787 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  8. I hate predictive text.

    It always brings up the wrong wank.
     
    #1788 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  9. The wife and I were planning a divorce but decided to stay together because of the kids.

    We were both terrified we would get custody of the fuckers.
     
    #1789 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
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  10. If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard.... my poo would be full of half digested pennies!
     
    #1790 Borgo Panigale, Mar 23, 2013
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  11. On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

    You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

    Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some native American Indian blood. What do you say to that ?"

    The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
     
    #1791 Borgo Panigale, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  12. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

    Are - my - test - results - back?"
     
    #1792 Borgo Panigale, Mar 23, 2013
  13. Q. What do you call a woman behind a steering wheel?

    A. An airbag.
     
    #1793 Rudolph Hart, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Me and the wife were on holiday in Saudi recently, when we saw this bloke levitating, she said:

    "Oi, can you teach me to do that?"

    "No chance love" he said, "you're way too fat."

    Cheeky fakir.
     
    #1794 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
  15. Today has been so cold, I even saw a government minister with his hands in his own pockets.
     
    #1795 Rudolph Hart, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  16. An american tourist asks an irish fisherman ''why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?'' To which the irishman replies ''if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat"
     
    #1796 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
    • Like Like x 3
  17. "I'm afraid it's cancer", said the doctor.

    As he delivered my son at one minute past midnight on June 21st.
     
    #1797 El Toro, Mar 23, 2013
  18. So I said to the wife: 'it doesn't matter what I say to you or do for you, I'm always wrong'
    'That's simply not true' she said...
     
    #1798 El Toro, Mar 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Had the most amazing sex with my neighbour earlier.
    Bent over a wall, up against a tree, legs over the shoulders, the fecking works.

    Bit of luck finding him concussed, after he fell from that ladder.
     
    #1799 Rudolph Hart, Mar 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. I've just bought a reflective waistcoat.

    It's sitting in the corner reading works by Proust and Descartes.
     
    #1800 Rudolph Hart, Mar 24, 2013
    • Like Like x 6
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