Ice sculptor Mark Simon has made a model of Adele for Baileys' spirited women campaign. In other news, scientists confirm that half of Antarctica is missing.
" Do you like surprises?" I asked my two young kids. " Yes daddy!" They yelled excitedly. " Good." I said. " I'm putting one of you up for adoption, but I'm not telling you which one it is."
Carol Vorderman fell down some stairs and broke her nose. On the way down she hit 4 from the top and 2 from the bottom.
I went to see my doctor today. "Since your wife has been pregnant," he began, "does she make any requests, regarding sex?" I said, "Yes, in fact, she did so just the other night." "And what did she say?" he asked. "Please, not while I'm trying to puke."
A new craze has started in Yorkshire. Teenagers are injecting a solution of MDMA into their gums. They're calling it E by gum.
[TABLE="class: yiv1835209863ecxyiv265276521MsoNormalTable"] [TR] [TD="width: 582"]The joke's not funny, but then........... There were four Catholic men and one Catholic woman having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father '." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace '." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence '." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness '." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, o Slim, o Tall, o 38D breast, o 24" waist, o 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say, [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD="width: 582"] [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD="width: 582"]"Oh My God"[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out. Knocking some poor cunt off his motorbike.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the NHS Care, a friend decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963.
New Zealand has parade of topless porn stars on motorcycles called "Boobs on Bikes" due to pass through Wellington. Meanwhile, here in England, we go one better with "C*nts on Bikes", as David Cameron and Boris Johnson cycle to work.
Apparently you can only say, "Look at you! You got so big!" to children. Old girlfriends tend to get offended......
Statements by people involved in significant historical events have been translated into modern English: "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle "What fucking map?" - "Challenger," Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy
I woke up a changed man this morning. But it was his day off, and he prefers the term 'Transgendered' - he was fuming.
At least George Osborne scrapped a rise in fuel prices in the budget. Thank God for that, for a minute I thought we were gonna have to stop eating horses and start riding them again.
Sky News: Gary Neville's Father Arrested. Wonder which bit of this headline Phil Neville is more upset about
