WARNING FELLOW DUCATISTI: Do NOT open any emails claiming that you have won 2 Tickets to go and watch Liverpool. They may contain 2 tickets to go and watch Liverpool !
Since a colleague of mine put his back out shagging his new girlfriend and can't go on a business trip, I've been asked to fill in for him. Can't wait, his girlfriend's fucking gorgeous.
My wife used to say she wished I could be more like her father. She soon changed her mind when she got home from work one day and caught me fucking her mum.
My wife came into my shed earlier, and said to me: ''I'm not being funny, when are you going to do something with your life? All you do is sit in this shit heap all day, making crap inventions! And not just that, they never work or do anything!!" It was at this point that my newest invention, the Slap-A-Fat-Twat-O-Matic-3000 proved her wrong.
I went round to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their new born son. She asked me if I would like to wind the baby. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave him a dead leg instead
"If you were an animal," Said my wife, looking up from up from her magazine. "What kind of animal would you be?" "Definitely a lion, King of the beasts." I replied. "What about you?" I continued, "What breed of dog would you be?"
This is true...... An old workmate sent me a Christmas card last year with an update on his life and family............ Apparently his son has grown another foot since I last saw him........ I wasn't quite sure how to respond. AL
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence." "Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A pound," the barman replied. "A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance. Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought 'Fuck it. I could win that!'
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression. Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.
Several members of the England football team have lost the backing for the dog walking business they were about to start. People realised they have no ability to hold on to a lead.
Due to work demands, 2 tickets available for a comedy performance. They are for the Anfield Road End.
My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor had suggested a double mastectomy, so I went online to see if there was any alternative. Tracy, 36, from Newcastle looks a good one.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year and decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was gorgeous, twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts and wandered around usually bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got a priviledged view! It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when anyone else was around.One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. My head reeled, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, so if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned as my eyes followed her going up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Then to add to my shock, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
"Mummy, I'm bleeding!" "Don't worry, Susie. It's perfectly natural, just a sign that you're finally becoming a woman." "OK mum. So, do I pull the knife out of my stomach or just leave it there?"
Gary Neville's father has being arrested on suspicion of indecent assault. Van Persie could have been killed,' said a furious Alex Ferguson.
